fuck you AND your resolutions

things that suck in january:

1. the weather
2. the gym


i'm sure there is something else but pretty little number 2 is what i would like to focus on.




here is my plea to everyone who decides on jan 1 to go to the gym more often and then does for one week or one month and stops again in january:



DON'T BOTHER.



seriously, stop. you are taking up all the machines, you are making a big show of it, you are grunting for no reason, in short, you are pissing me off.

listen, do you really want to get in shape anyway? you know you are basically a lazy person* and THAT IS OKAY. there are two kinds of people- those who work out and those who don't. all you other assholes who ARE NOT BEING YOURSELVES AND DENYING GOD** by pretending to start a fitness regime.

and please please please stop grunting and winking. this is mostly for the dudes, yes but everyone- stop making it out to be a big deal. if you really want to get in shape, then take the tina test- are you fucking relaxed? no? then find a way to fucking relax. it's no big whoop. stop killing yourself over it, just go*** and do a couple of things. if you stop stressing, you'll probably get in shape by accident. that's how i roll. here, let me break it down:


FOR THOSE WHO ARE DETERMINED TO "STICK TO THEIR LAME ASS RESOLUTIONS AND OVERCROWD THE GYM FOR ONE MONTH":

1. get up (or home) and put on sneakers/sports bra/whatevs without even thinking about it****

2. go for a walk

3. end up at (again- hopefully not the same one as me) the gym

4. do something easy for a little while

5. if you are feeling rock star then rock it out with some massive weights and an hour of cardio

6. if you are feeling a bit under the weath or tired then call if day after 20 minutes WITHOUT ANY GUILT. you went didn't you?

7. repeat. and again, stop being a douche. thank you and you are welcome.










*no, smartass, this is not a "note to self"

**yeah, i said GOD. be true to thine own lazy ass non gym going self - otherwise you are spitting in GOD'S eye. and GOD does not like that. repent that oh hogger of stairclimber.

***to another gym. one that i am not in. please- i am begging you.

****and without being self congratulatory- seriously- again- no biggie hombre- relax. no one is handing out prizes for sweatiest.*****

*****actually, that's not a bad idea. i shall pitch it to degree. and then the sweatiest will get free deodordant. it's a win win situation.