wish list (the short version)

i need a house so i can:

1. walk around naked
2. buy novelty toilet seats*

my house should have garden so i can:

1. walk around naked (outdoors! nakeee outdoors!!!)
2. plant stuff. i find this activity to be relaxingly middle age-ed

(on a side note i recently realized the extent to which i find myself and all my "issues" incredibly interesting. it suddenly occured to me (in a fit of un-self-centered-ness!!!) that others might find themselves equally fascinating. it would surprise me (i mean, come on!) but perhaps it is true? i will make a poll and report back.)

*i love the ones with fake fish and REAL SHELLS trapped forever inside a blue resin "ocean". it almost makes me want to climb in. splash!

yes sur!

do californians EVER get out of their cars? how come they dont all have super fat asses?

yesterday i took my life into my hands and drove the pacific coast highway south of san fransisco through big sur.

through out the 3 hour ordeal i was overwhelmed with:

1. overwhelming beauty
2. overwhelming fear of dying horribly on the rocks below

i made several interesting sounds including but not limited to:

1. whimpering
2. giggling*
3. screaming
4. arguing with my mother (and who wouldn't when surrounded by immeasurable beauty?)

*please take note: this was not the good giggling. this is the kind of giggling i do when they are running tests on me at the hospital. i actually got out at every other overlook, looked over and then ran back to the car cackling like a drunk canadian. adrenalin? check.

cruisin down el camino

cars r the prevalent mode of transportation in most of america. my limited experiences as a driver and passenger have taught me this:

1. waiting for the light to change is the wrong time to ask someone if they are gay*
2. family + car + 2 hours = 5 years of therapy (needed and acrued)
3. the best place to hide something (like, weed) is under the scrim between windshield and front side door
4. my mom really hates it when i back seat drive
5. my mom really needs a "wing man" so she doesn't miss our turn for the 8th time
6. cars smell
7. people smell
8. cars are a ineffective place to sulk

number 8 is really the most relevant since i count sulking as one of my most important life skills. it's hard to do in a car.

other bad places to sulk:

1. movie theater
2. concert
3. award ceremony
4. the prom
5. roller coaster

the one exception is that you can sulk at the prom if you are:

1. telekenetic
2. prom queen
3. sissy spaseck
4. preggers

*for some reason i don't have any gay family members. i have tried to make them gay. and asked most of them if they ever "experiemented". out of all my family members the following responded with the most maturity and poise:

1. auntie M = not gay
2. M.O.M. = not gay
3. daddy = not gay

**i really find it impossible not to ask family members about their sexuality on fair to middlin road trips. so far no one has tried to push me out of the car.

is sunshine racist?

everyone i have seen here belongs to one of the following ethnic groups:

1. white
2. indian
3. mexican
4. unfriendly chinese

where are all the black people? i haven't seen any black people. i think the unfriendly chinese people i met yesterday are hiding them. but WHERE?

i would be remiss if i did not give a shout out here to miss p who is mexican AND chinese. hollah!

silly cone valley

"nice weather you're having here at this GIGANTIC strip mall"

the only other thing i've noticed besides atrocious and over priced restaurant food is the proliferation of hot tubs. thereby enabling legions of sleazy guys to be lazy with their pick up lines. this was said to me yesterday as i huffed along on my treadmill:

"hot tubbing is the thing to do around here. after the gym."

if it seems awkward it was. if it seems like a lukewarm come one, it wasn't. simply because the invitation to tub was prefaced by:

1. a comment on my slammin bod
2. an enquiry resulting in my lamental comment "i am visting from new york". thus the "the thing to do around here" portion of the aforementioned weak come on line.

still, since my mother and i are moving at a decidedly middle aged pace it was a welcome diversion.

to sum up:

1. nice weather
2. strip mall
3. costly and medicore food
4. invitation to tub
5. 45-65 year old pace to daily activity

have a day!

go west

i am preparing to embark on a voyage westardly, toward the sun.

there i hope to ward off seasonal depression and spend some quality time with ma mere. i also hope not to freak on the plane.

here are some easy steps anyone can take to make travel more enjoyable:

Before embarking on your journey (spiritual and otherwise):

1. find someone to take care of any small furry creatures that may be sharing living space with you. otherwise you will worry about them and they will yowl pathetically. try to make sure the person you hire is:

• not a snoop
• not a pervert who will sniff your panties (not much fun unless you are still wearing them)
• not too expensive

2. over water all of your plants. this way the small fuzzy things can amuse themselves by swatting at fruit flies during your absence.

3. pack inapproprately. i am not sure if this is actually recommended but it is an established part of my travel routine. also, it takes all the guilt out of shopping while on vacation: but i only brought woolens with me to puerto rico- i simply MUST have a swim suit and saraong!

4. stockpile betty and veronica comicbooks and valium (more on this later).

advice to my cats

murf

i have decided today (another banner day for decisions!) to impart some more wisdom to my feline friends. they pretend not to listen but you can tell they are when their ears flatten back and they look huffy.

1. stop puking.

2. if you have to puke- MUST you do it from table top or higher? there is less splatter when done from sea level. yeesh.

3. stop waking me up at 4 am with your god damn yowling.

4. if you must wake me up- why not do so with some sweet purring and kneading of my tired shoulders?

5. stop watching me have sex. really. couldnt you just head into the other room? so what if it's a studio? ever heard of the bathroom?

WITNESS THE RUDENESS:

life changing decisions

hello.

i have made some life changing decisions you may want to know about. perhaps they can help you in the future. perhaps they can help you NOW.

obviously, one has to be slightly less than satisfied with ones life to embark on this hare brained "new life" scheme.

disatisfied with life - check

hare brained- check

ok, let's move on. after realizing that my salad days were behind me and it was time to pay the piper (i.e. enormous health costs due to lack of insurance due to lack of employment due to overwhelming laziness) i have made some (hopefully) life altering decisions.

first make a list of what is wrong with you. here is mine:

overly sensitive
self indulgent
lazy (again, this seems to be part of my makeup- not something i am doing on purpose to seem "youngish" or "devil may care")
vain
hot

despite what u may think, being hot is a problem. it draws attention to your other flaws and people always want to fuck you. it's tiresome.

so i have made a list of "mid march resolutions". despite numerous entreaties by my friends and families- using capital letters in the appropriate places is NOT one of my resolutions.

ok, enough dilly dallying (i forgot to add proscrastinator to the list- think of it as an addendum).

i resolve to:

1. complain less about the little things and MUCH MORE about the big things. this means my boyfriend will shortly be getting the whole "get off your ass and impregnate me" speech in the near future.

2. talk less. this one is probably not going to stick.

3. be extra hot. despite what i said earlier, being extra hot would be nice. especially when i bump into girls from high school who tanned too much and have five kids already. this is particularly important since i have a MASSIVE inferiority complex and nearly all my classmates are:

1. married

2. have babies (me want BABY)

3. invested in a 401 K plan (add to list of goals: get 401K, or at least find out what one is)

4. polite

now i can be fucking polite when i want to but sometimes i curse more than tawny kitaen in "witchboard". i have also been known to hump mercedes but thats where the similarities end.

p.s. the only bad actress from the 80's i love almost as much as tanya roberts is tawny kitaen. almost as hot.

.

open letter to human resources

dear suzie, linda and joanne,

1. please relax.

2. please refrain from asking the "magic wand" question. as in, "if you had a magic wand and could create the perfect job, what would it be and why?" i'm not sure exactly how to answer that but it absoltuely involves shoving said magic wand up your ass.

3. do not ask me to tell you that being an administrative assistant (even if it's to some uber precious executive/head of the company/ all around nice guy) is my penultimate dream job. i do have a soul and prefer not to lie. retard.

4. when you say that my potential boss is "intense" i know i am in for a world of pain. do not insult my intellegence, even though i am stupid enough to want to work for your company. use plain speaking such as "your potential boss is a hard osed bitch/bastard who will make you work late and humiliate you as much as possible. on the upside we have great dental coverage!"

5. yes i kick ass on excel, power point and quark. whatever else you throw at me will take two seconds to learn. unless its spanish. no ablo espanole.