sUpEr DeLuX

last night i had the pleasure of seeing miss max sharam perform live at the rockwood music center. although miss max (MIX!) is a dear friend of mine- i had only heard her sing on disk (wow) or late at night screeching in my ear (ow). you MUST check her out- but only if you want your mind expanded. SUPER DELUX!

$10,000 tomato

yesterday i bought some fresh produce, including one very special piece of fruit*

when i got home and unpacked and prepared to eat all and sundry** i discovered that i had paid $10,000 for a tomato!!!***



at this time i experinced the following emotions:


1. indignation: how dare they charge me so much for a tomatz?

2. privilidge: only i merit this incredible red shiny deliciousness!

3. panic: how will i pay for my yachting excursion and trip to hawaii this month?!?*****



this just goes to show that the cost of living has gone UP UP UP! thank goodness for my imaginary trust fund!******










*or is it a vegitable? hmmmmmm?

**i was making an omlette

***i used my debit. who looks?****

****not only am i a trusting soul but i am also fully aware that the people who work in grocery store check out lines are fully commited to their jobs and hold in HIGH ESTEEM (!) the responsibilites weighing heavily on their proud and noble shoulders.

*****fear not! my stocks rse dramatically in the nick of time- all is NOT LOST!

******not to be confused with my imaginary boyfriend. who, by the way, is satisfying my every imaginary office need and desire. sex in the supply closet- check!

swedish fish

thanks to the newly opened youth hostel across the street from my apartment, i need never go without a cigarette again*.

at any hour of the day there is a young au paire or other european/midwestern tourist out there on the stoop looking overwhelmed and puffing away.** last night, however, it was i who was the strange, the bewildered, the misunderstood...

the time: 10:30 pm on a sunday night. your erstwhile reporter is contemplating buying a pack*** when she spots a friendly looking young man walking out of the hostel with - a cigarette! as i gallop up to him he peers back to see my endearingly hopeful face- may i a bum a ciggy? - the answer being yes- after i light up and inquire after the unusual brand- he says it is a swedish brand- are you swedish?**** yes he says- are you a student- no i say- i work in advertising and then:

he. runs. into. the street.

it took a moment but i realized i had frightened the poor (six foot tall) thing off. why you ask? b/c he had probably been warned against neighborhood HOOKERS.

now, i do see a hooker or five on my block, it's true. but me? at 10:30 pm? wearing jeans, flip flops and my "whiffle ball king tee shirt"?!?*****

i suppose i should be flattered that he thought i was:

1. young enough to be a college student********
2. hot enough in my whiffle ball king tee shirt to actually sell any ass
3. tempting enough that he had to run into traffic to escape my wiles*********












*yes i am back to bumming

**overwhelmed but NEVER angry. beware the angry smoker

***nic fit rating = 8

****funny, he didn't LOOk swedish... well, actually he did. but he SOUNDED like a midwesterner. weird.

*****i am not actually the whiffle ball king. it's a tee shirt i found at the sal arm and bought due to irony ****** the REAL whiffle ball king is simply a tidy person who recently did some spring cleaning*******

******i am awful at whiffle ball, baseball, softball and i assume, cricket (though this last is unsubstantiated)

*******in the fall. fall cleaning.

********no it was not THAT DARK. jerk.

*********OK, this one is a stretch but i choose to believe it. and believe it deeply. with every fiber of my being.

PUGGLE!

somewhere in an undergroud laboratory some INSANELY SMART GENIUS MAD SCIENTIST has broken the cute barrier. they have combined and created 2 of the sweetest faces on god's green earth to create: THE PUGGLE!

this unspeakable adorable thing is half pug (clearly) and half - get this- beagle (say WHAT?). the only thing i can think of that might be better is if they spliced my boyfriend with a cat and gave him choclate for blood.*





aaack@mindexploding#toomuch*cuteness%$brainslidingfromear...............

*while it is difficult to process thoughts after viewing the above- think about my boyfriend with a tail, a little more fur and the overwhelming desire to have his belly rubbed. the choclate for blood thing is self explanatory.

adults skipping

now i have been known to skip, but ALWAYS with a sense of irony. it's fun. it's silly. it's a tad faster than walking and swingier than running. but lately i have been noticing a new trend:

ADULTS SKIPPING*

how? why? you ask, bewildered. let me tell you this:

last week i saw an unfriendly looking woman walking just ahead of me on the UWS. no one was really around but us. she kept looking back at me as if i was PREVENTING HER FROM DOING SOMETHING. finally, she decided to go ahead and do what she needed to do. after a few more furtive glances back at me- she widened her legs into a duck walk and skipped a few paces. then she looked back at me - with anger this time - alla "how dare you judge me/and/or my skipping!" and did it again.

when she had turned into her building after casting a few more scalding looks** at me i made sure she had gone into the lobby and tried it myself***.


i came to several conclusions:

1. this woman had probably dampened her adult diaper - i would duck skip too!

2. it was kind of fun in that it made me giggle

3. it's a good way to turn a knee! that woman should be more careful!****





*for real, without irony, as a mode of transportation

**if looks could kill! well i tell you!

***though i REFUSED to do the furtive glance around- let them look! at me! skipping like a duck!

****tsk-a-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-shame-a-shame-whee!

secret office boyfriend

now that i have been at my new job for two weeks, it's time to pick my new secret office boyfriend. the selection process has been refined over the years and is now a well oiled machine. here is some insight into the process and requirements if one should so desire to be my secret office boyfriend.*


SOBF requirements:

you must be either:

1. hot as balls OR
2. laughably inadequate

more precisely, sex with you would have to be:

1. sweaty fantasy material OR
2. stomach turning


in other words, i like to switch it up. my SOBF is either someone who genuinely makes me feel funny down there** or an object of ridicule***

other important things to note when selecting you very own SOBF:

1. you can NEVER have sex with your secret office boyfriend*****
2. you must have backup******


i WILL tell you that i have made my selection. i WIL NOT tell who it is.*!

also, remember that work is more fun when you have a secret office BF. it's even more fun when he is not married*******







*though they never know of this honor. it is a SECRET.***

**hmmmm... me want humpy

***i have, in the past, told my SOBF of his status in the hope that his posture/dress/personal hygene might improve. it is a service to their future real girlfriends****

****i am not leaving out the gays. to this date (!!!) i haven't had a secret office gay boyfriend. i am willing to consider taking on a supplemental "future gay ex husband" categaory. planning ahead!

***** unless you are drunk

******because what if he pisses you off over a power point presentation or something? then again- that creates the opportunity for ANGRY SEX. revision!

************** trust me on this one ladies! you don;t want to deal with imaginary guilt too!

trophy husband

now that i am so rich and sucessful, i need a hot guy to give me pleasure(!) and clean up after me(!).

please vote on who should be my trophy husband*:

1. my secret office boyfriend**
2. my building's super who looks like a pirate***
3. my already boyfriend from real life****
4. this cute guy who i've only seen from the back*****




let the voting begin!








*hello pre-nup! freaking mimbos!

**though he already has a job and believe me- being my T.H. is a full time position.

*** he does! he does! even more then gwen stephanie!

****naw, fuck that. he complains too much if i unhook him from cable, the internet or his xbox. he can be second wife!

*****this guy already has a clear advantage.