smell my feet

it's that time of year again- my favorite- HALLOWEEN!

where normally i have about fifty million kagillion ideas about what to dress up as, this year i am limited to a vague desire to retro and whorish. i predict 1940's pin up sailor girl is going to be the winner. stay tuned.


prize winning costumes from past years include:

1. three eyed sluts from the planet blue green algae*

2. pricess pudenda from the planet purple

3. the bad sex fairy

4. slutty prom queen barbie**

5. tanya roberts as sheena queen of the jungle***

6. freya the emasculating valkerie****


















*with my ex best friend/gay husband dennis j****

**complete with condom wrappers and a note that said "fuck me" pinned to the back of the dress, and my good natured bf as "erectile dysfunction" prom king ken

***did you know i was obsessed with tanya roberts? because i am. obsessed.

****i'll cut it off! i svear it on thor's hammer!

*****it wasn't a good divorce- thank goodness we killed off all the children born of that unholy union!******

******our firstborn "bitterness", our second born "bad hair" and the baby of the family "accidental drunk heterosexual blowjob on the couch"- ABORT!

pit of despair

i was recently pondering my propensity for purchasing purses.* when my pal ponitifcated that phsycologically, purses symbolize the pussy.

WHAT?

the hangbag is the female freudian equivalent to the cigar you say?

hmmm.... it kind of makes sense... it's a pouch and you put stuff in it... ok assuming this is true there a few INCREDIBLY disturbing facts that spring to mind:

1. i call mine the pit of despair because i can never FIND anything in it**

2. i collect VINTAGE HANDBAGS***

3. have you ever noticed how many women walk around with thier hands resting IN THE HANDBAGS? or even, worse, CONSTANTLY RUMMAGING through it?****



this saddens me deeply. my innocent collecting of funky old bags now has a sinister overtone. one that i fear, shall haunt me all of my days. before i close this dialouge forever there i do have a fourth and final point:


4. i also have a thing for CHEAP synthetic bags made in taiwan*****














*aloud. pondering purchasing purses aloud.

**yes, this is an homage to the classic film "labyrinth"- the pit of despair is known for it's (oh my jesus, my jesus) overpowering stench

***old pussy? what? i've been collecting since i was a teenager so i'm not really sure what this means. i also have a thing for BIG BAGS. big old vag-gee-gees? oh dear lord!

****do i have to paint you a picture? go read "my secret garden" if you need more specific refernces. jesus people! get with it!

*****begins crying, silently into hands- stops- reaches into bag for kleenex- cannot find any!- continues to rummage through because it is somehow soothing- and yet- stimluating!- where is it? must look- faster- over there- no- yes- deeper- harder- ahhh! never did find the kleenex but am now so relaxed- time for a - yawn- desk... nap....

crank it up!

i am here to defend my right to be crankers*. so what if i snap at people or assume the worst? it is my god given right to be:

sullen
spooky
werid
bitter
bitchy
whiny
and for special occassions only: full of self pity******










*this is due to the fact that noah has not shown up and asked me to be his fifth wife. let me on the ark!**

**FUCKING RAIN***

***what is this, seatle?****

****everytime i start to complain about the weath i stop and think about all the people who have suffered through REAL natural disasters***** in the past month.

*****though it is tragic to ruin a gorgeous pair of seude boots. but not tragic tragic. just tragic.

******OMG- is there anything better than a completely self indulgent lil ole pitty party? best time for this is:

birthdays
new years eve
beginning of summer
end of summer
valentines day
tuesdays

ass freaks

everytime i go to a chinese massage parlour something strange happens:

they spend half the time working over my ass.*

this has happened too many times for me to think it could be a coincidence. and it's not a sexual thing** because i've had men and women fixate on my hiney-so-finey**

it starts out great:

hmmm... that's it- oh my shoulders are so tight- hey where are you going- GOOD LORD- up! go up! hmmmmm....

now it wouldn't be a big deal if it happened as they worked the lower back, but everytime they switch areas- they make a pit stop. an ass pit stop.***

the result: right now my tushy is so relaxed it might as well be in jamaica. stoned. on the beach. with a corona and a blond.****







*seriously, what is going on with that? i know i have sweet cheeks but don't these people know there's more tension in my shoulders?

**it's not a sexual thing- it's a CHINESE THING.

***and don't tell me they are all lesbians- i have been to way too many chinese ass massagers for that kind of coincidence.****

****better check out the tush- how is it doing? let's get in there and make sure- ok! back in two mintues! can't leave the ass hanging (ha)!

*****have fun on vacation ass! bring me back some beads and some gangia in your shoe! ok fine! stick in your deodorant- jesus- just stick it up your hole you whiney (ass) bitch.

******actually this begs the question: why do i keep going back? not because it's cheap. BECAUSE I LIKE HAVING MY ASS RUBBED. is that a crime?*******

*******not compared to baby killing.

coochie-coochie-die!

this is my initial reaction to seeing a wee one:

awww! how cute- a baby!*



this is my second:

why is that thing looking at me like that? maybe it can see into my soul?**



this is my third:

in twenty years, this little monster could grow up to take my job or steal my husband or otherwise fuck up my shit. maybe i should kill it.***









*depending on my hormone levels, i sometimes want to make one of my very own. or kill it. kill the baby.

**it's ok when the baby smiles- it likes me! but when a baby just stares at me and takes everything in without smiling- jesus christ it gives me the heebie jeebies! STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S SOUL DEMON BABY!!

***it would be so easy! those little squishy things can't fight back! two secs and i'm out. fucking baby.