children. shame. children.

over thanksgiving dinner the family casa, a generally well read and somewhat over-educated group, were dicussing politcs, hillary clinton's bid for presidency and the cyclical nature of the dem's recent rise to power to be precise*. there being children present, they piped up and asked- what's a democwat? republypub? to which i answered:

have you seen the movie star wars? *children nod* well the democRATS (yes i corrected them- disdainfully- i enjoy it- it makes me feel superior- and i AM) the democRATS are like luke skywalker and han solo- the good guys *children nod* and the RE-PUB-LI-CANS are like darth vader and the evil empire *ooooo* clearly, they get it

my family stared at me for a moment in awe. this was clearly manipulative and an oversimplification and not entirely fair to the RE-PUB-LI-CANS but as the silence drew out... *EVERONE nods* yes- everyone.

i KNOW i should not say such things to children. but i do. oh yes i do. and once again- i enjoy




*historically- in the handful of second term presendencies the pendulum of public favor almost always swings in the other direction- taking the house and senate with it. thems the breaks folks- the peeps just get fed up- yup- its TRU

**on a side note- as the oldest of 6 children- by quite a bit to tell the TROOT- i often tell my other sisters that the little ones say i am the best and prettiest of all the girls. while not definitively a statement of fact i do belive that if u say anything often enuff it becomes the TROOT. btw- i am the best and prettiest. awes.

rocky mountain high

let me first say this:

i do not have an actual full length mirror


let me then say this:

this AM i saw myself reflected in a large window


and let me end with this:

i had dressed myself in such a way that i closely resemebled a streetwalker, from denver, circa 1977

or as my office bud put it, so jodi foster in taxi driver- a look to strive for- brava! but again, there's something todes colorado about the look- denv or at least boulder- hear me now- what!




hmmmmmmmm... i look like a whore. but- on a positive note- i look like an UNDERAGE whore. this is FANATASTIC NEWZ!

husky

my friend at werk is sickydick (literalz) and has a deep scratchy voice today. so i am having super extra fun having her say all the things a lady mite long to hear. LET'S GO!



best things to hear female coworker say with her temp MAN VOICE (close ur eyes & relaK):

1. i love you for your mind as much as your body

2. no no, i will carry that for you my darling

3. women, especially you, grow more enticing with age

4. yes i am glad britney got fat too

5. yes that girl over there is beautiful but for some reason i am repulsed by her

6. your bottom is pure perfection

7. no please dont shower- your natural odor is enticing

8. those pussycat dolls- boring!

9. yes, tell me more about the details and minutae of you day. and inner thoughts and feeling. pleaze! i could listen for hours...

10. i find your vulgar and robust sense of humor enticing and not at all threatening



*please note- just about anything with the words robust or enticing will do the trick

**please please note note- i am doing this more to torture my friend- now named MANVOICE- i actually hear all the nice things a girl could ask 4 from my my very own hunnybunny- smilzies!

hand-gine

this morning i got a paper cut in the worst place ever*

the hand-gine, or hand-ginA, finger-crotch, digi-puss: that delicate, petal like place where your fingers meet and greet each oths

while this is indeed bad, i could only fall to my knees and thank the heavens above that i wasnt an eighteenth century fishwife who spent the whole day salting and/or pickling herring. WITH A PAPER CUT IN THE DIGIPUSS. ALL DAY WITH NO RESPITE IN SITE**









*besides tongue or i suppose ur gentials proper, not the manual fascimilie thereof, or eyeball- that would suK tuh

**everytime i rhyme on accident i gots to give meself a full-on shout out: YO! WHAT WHAT! I'M A POET AN' I DIN'T EVEN KNOW IT! HOLLLLLAAAAH (ATCHA BITCHES) WHAT!

martha JR

so i'm trying to reno my fabu new home- or at least make my old 1 less grubby. thus i've been reading a lot of home deco magz. these people make me sick. i would really aprreciate sum of their mun. like, the whole diamonds on the shoe thang? member dat? can i, um, have just onesies? student loans = fini! anywayz i came up with a few low budge tips of my own- yer welc!


1. fancy old teapots = great place to keep tea bags and spices

2. old luggage = gorge storge

2. seashells = candle holder, incense burner, soap dish, change catcher


i'm todes serial & will add more handy tippetas as i progresh- now wish me luckskies as i take up the screw drivah and ye old paintbroosh

finansh resolush

to remedy my finansh situash i am taking the follwing VERY SERIOUS AND EFFECTIVE STEPS:



1. poz viz*

2. stop shopping

3. stop eating

4. use feet instead of limo

5. set up a paypal account and SHAME my family**





*i am wealthy beyond my fondest dreams, riches of every sort are drawn to me, my income is constantly increasing, i rule and am generally todes awes, etc etc

**SHAME. what a good word. SHAMESHAMESHAME. yay!