vroom vroom!

open letter to all males, and other persons* who have ever questioned a womans' desire for new shoes:



shoes = cars



that's right, shoes r cars for our feet. if you live, as i do, in a place such as new york, and really, why live anywhere else, then you most likely do much travel on foot.


mode of transport = feet = similar to a car = or a bike = or rollerblades (which brings us back to) = shoes




there are other similarites too:

1. safety concerns- do these shoes come with front and side airbags?**

2. price- can i afford the monthly payments on these shoes?***

3. can i fuck in these shoes?****




and they fit into the same classifications:

1. motorcycles = strappy high heeled sandals******

2. jeeps = cowboy boots

3. stretch hummers******* = manolo blahniks or prads*********







*usually male persons, or no nonsense, comfort shoe wearing mamas

**if they r high enough then they just might need them

***the answer is always yes, even when it is no

****obvs not in the backseat but totes with them still on yore feet!*****

*****the above statement rhymes. say it aloud. say it again. say it superfastandinpublicandseewhathaps!

*******airy and dangerous for everyone involved

********haha- that sound diiiirrrrrrtyyyyy! YAY!

*********totes

overheard in my apartment

a friend is telling me this dramatic dream she had- every single issue in her life was in it- but all tied together in a weird way. then comes to the good part- the BOI she likes - leans over and kisses her and she has THE BEST DREAM THOUGHT EVER:



"oh no! i forgot to get my bikini waxed!"




this is awesome for several reasons:

1. so practical! she is really planning ahead- and SHE'S ASLEEP!
2. so dirty! she knows where this kiss is leading- into her underpants!
3. so random! who the hell dreams about person hygene? trimming the hedges? the state of the gine?






***SPECIAL BONUS***





overheard this morning in the office kitchen:


"but why doesn't he stutter when he's CURSING?!?"


this awesome for one reason:

1. she was really pissed- like the poor guy was faking it- STOP FAKE STUTTERING YOU MASSIVE JERKOFF!!!




*giggle*wheee*yay*

patty cake

those who know me, know: i have a non sexual* crush on pat kiernan, morning anchor on NY1.

and so i decided to create a small, non sexual, albiet poignant tribute to my favorite guy to wake up with, patty cake.*****





~*~NON SEXUAL PAT KIERNAN TRIBUTE (NO DIRTY THOUGHTS ALLOWED- HE'S HAPPILY MARRIED YOU TROLLOP!!!)~*~





TADA!




no, really




that's it. unless i can come up with a pat kiernan haiku... stay tuned for more! perhaps next week i will do a tribute to my doorman- he cracka me up!














*ok, ok. it's sexual, but just in a "what if u read me the news while rubbing ice on my nipples" kind of way**

**or a "what if you read the news and spanked me kind of way***

***but not AT ALL in a "i would ignore the fact that u r married and make an actual pass at u if we ended up at the same bar/in the same elevator/ in a dark alley late at night" kind of way****

****ok, maybe if we ran into each other in a dark alley AFTER the bar

*****BUT un-fuckin-fortunately there aren't many pictures of my BOI floating around on the internet. this makes the crush even worsies as it is fleeting, flitting, always in motion******

******and i must get up earlskies to indulge. *bitch* *bemoan* *bewitched*

i solemnly swear

to attempt, in good faith, to do, every annum, my state and federal income taxes ON TIME*



















*by MAY 1st.**
























**of the following year.***



















***and never to completely catch up****




















****b/c then you die

air bukaki

on a recent cross continental flight* i was seated next to a charming young man- a set designer for film and stage- who i got a long with famously. this was due to his announcing almost immediately that he was:

1. gay
2. perverted
3. loved to make fun of vaginas

now, i like a good vagina joke as much as the next gay man, probably since i have the same affinity for them** and as an ex-hag*** i jumped right in with him. as the flight went on and we giddily recounted our favorite "gross porn we've seen in europe" stories we came, naturally, inevitably, to bukaki*****.

now the good part. as i shrieked****** "OHMYGODILOVEBUKAKI" i simulatenously reached for my snack- a large tub of cottage cheese- opened it- and-

it exploded ALL OVER MY FACE

at which point- as u can imagine- we were both utterly dumbfounded- and then hysterical- and then more hysterical- ten minutes later i gasped out "OHMYGODITMUSTHAVEBEENTHECABINPRESSURE"- ten minutes later i gasped again "THANKGODITWASNTTHELARGECURD".

perhaps u had to be there- but if u r a pervert- perhaps NOT.

the moral: never forget that sealed packages of white gooey stuff WILL explode on your face if you open them mid flight. so, use your sense of the dramatic and say something disgusting right before proceeding. have fun kids!














*new york to LA. but it sounds fancier this way, no? i'm a fancy pants!

**none

***i learned my lesson in '97. too many gays in your apartment = much harder to get ass without having to kick them out****

****kicking out the gays sometimes leads to shoes being thrown at your head- nice shoes, but still

*****if u dont know what that is, feel free to google it but DO NOT follow any of the links. this will lead to porn porn porn and i do not want to be held responsible for getting u fired or in troubs with yo wife

******yes, shrieked. bt in my defnese, i was heavily medicated. i am ALWAYS heavily medicated*******

*******when flying i mean! only when flying. or weekends. only very rarely on a weeknight********

********hahahahahhahahahahaha-HA!