bummer

how to bum a cigarette in new york: a treatise


i am living in the space between smoker and non- if i buy a pack i will smoke them all in one day. so i bum. quite frequently in fact.

the whole point is this: i feel incredible awkward when mooching. so i offer to buy one- this seems to convice the smoker who is "holding" that i am serious and appreciate the cost. but surprisingly few people will take the standard 50 cents i offer**

the people you are about to mooch from are the most important factor in determining your sucess or failure. though the weather also makes an impact. sunny days make people generous. then again, a cute boy in williamsburgh gave me a half a pack on the street because i was soaked and on the verge of tears. after he had walked a block away he came back and gave me his lighter.***

approach:

groups of men standing outside a bar or office
solitary men standing anywhere
solitary women standing outside a bar

do NOT approach:

angry looking people
groups of girls standind anywhere
secretaries in the midst of a bitch fest
couples***

and for god's sake don't try to bum from someone who is on their cellphone, or walking or looks like they smoke menthols*****

one final note: cute old ladies who have cigarette cases are usually very generous but occaissionally you will get the mother of all things evil and unholy. make sure she is not angry and you must absolutely make her take the money. many senior citizens are living on a fixed income after all.

*well 4 or 5 a day if you want to get technical

**in quarters! everybody needs quarters!

***the exception to this is if theya re standing outside a swingers club. then you can probably get whatever you want. if you are into that.

****oh my god- i just realized i should have grabbed that guy and dragged his ass to the alter. where are you gentlemanly cigarette boy? i love you!

*****you can tell. i'm not exactly how i can tell but there is some sort of red flag. there's something fussy and suicidal about menthol smokers.