Pudding Whore

I find that extreme emotion makes my brain turns off.*



This is most true when I am angry angry angry. I have come up with some real zingers when verbally duking it out with some biotch. Here are a few prime examples of my sharp comebacks and putdowns:


1. Cunt! You cunt dumpling!
2. I don't care if she brought the pudding! She's a pudding whore!
3. Fine! Be that way miss... miss... hotty pants!
4. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
5. You threw shoes at me! SHOES! HIIIIYAH!**




*Except panic. I am very good under pressure. Especially when rescuing adorable children, animals and senior citizens from a burning building.***

**I then attacked the mean bad person who threw the shoes. This person was two feet taller than me and easily held me down and tickled me. Fucker.

***This was a recurring dream in my teenage years. Though as soon as everyone was saved I inevitably realized I was naked.

NOTE: It has been a long long long time since I have been angry enough to call someone names. These long long long ago incidents are recorded here for prosperity and because I consider myself a (promising) novice in the field of creative cursing.

S & M neighbor

last night i realized that i needed to cheat. i couldn't control myself- the desire was overwhelming.

so i went to the apartment of young man who lives in my building. a young man who could give me EXACTLY what i need...

a cigarette.

this particular nice young man is a well known S & M master. i know because of the chains hanging from the walls, and the leather daddy teddy bear on his chair. oh, and because he told me.

last night was i inhaled the forbidden but heavenly tobacco we talked about the stigma that those of his kind have to endure. he said he's lost friends over it, that people judge, that the internet finally made it possible for him and others like him to realize they were not freaks.

well, i mean they consider themselves freaky but you know what i mean...

ahem.

at this point i told him that i could definetly understand the role playing but that i couldnt understand the EXTREME pain- like knife or needle play. or CBT*

he told me that he usually explains it by asking the "vanilla" person if they have sex.

usually they say yes.**

the he asks if you ever scratch your lovers back, or get scratched or bite.

blah blah blah. they (S & M leather daddy's) just take it a step further. blah blah blah. anyway. nice guy. thanks for the smoke!




* cock and ball torture of course!
**do you really need to ask? i am GLOWING!

tanya vs tawney part two

as promised- here is the ultimate tanya roberts versus tawney kitaen showdown!

witness the hotness:


GOOOOOOOOO TAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

.

.

.

.


NOW ROUGH HER UP TTTTAAAWWWWWWNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!

.

.

.

ok. i dont know what the hell that last one was but i am giving her points for the s & m work.


let's break it down:

big hair----------------- tanya-check----- tawney-check

slutty outfits------------- tanya-check----- tawney-check

leather----------------- tanya-check----- tawney-check

UNCURED ANIMAL SKINS-- tanya has this one locked

naked pictures on web---- tanya-check----- tawney-check

s&m kinky lesbian pics---- tawney takes tanya down!


well clearly i am biased but so far i am awarding points thusly:

tanya with 5 CHEESY HOTNESS STARS

and

tawney with 4 HOTNESS STARS AND 47 CHEESY STARS



tanya is definetly in the lead right now but not by much. it all comes down to our last category: where are they now!

this will include the following factors:

1. how well have they aged?
2. are they still working?
3. have they been arrested or to rehab?*

*hint: extra points if you get arrested for beating the crap out of your professional athlete husband with your stilettos. YOUCH!

no hip hip hip hip hip

no hippie chick.

last night i had a limited time offer to go back to college. no i wasn't studying (ha!) or playing stoner chess (note: once i stopped smoking the pot, i stopped playing the chess. and scrabble. WEIRD).

no this was an authentic flashback. the jam band.

ahhhh druggies! they r all so friendly! that is until you refuse to give them your 5th row tickets so they can pass them back to their friends. but for once, being amongst the young made me feel young too.*


these guys are awesome: WIDESPREAD PANIC
.
i can't help it. i like the chubby one on the left. rock the base!***



*I AM A YOUTH VAMPIRE! I WILL SUCK YOUR YOUTH!**

**important: this is not an open invitation for oral sex. for realz.

***i am part of the minority. CHUBBY CHASERS UNITE!

this blog reminds me of my sister

but it doesn't have her rack. nice tits sis!

quiet riot

today i am sitting in the quietest office in the universe. while this is a pretty relaxing gig, i find myself perversely wanting to disturb the peace.

so far i have had the urge to:

1. lie in the middle of the floor and moan
2. sing showtunes and tap dance. oaklahoma comes to mind. but they don't tap dance in that one... see? i am perverse!
3. strip to my support garmets and turn cartwheels
4. throw the leftover sandwhich meats from yesterdays meeting against the wall while screaming like a banshee*

at this point one would have to assume that i have a mild, mostly controllable form of tourettes. it might also explain my occasional urge to veer into oncoming traffic. or maybe that's just my mischivous nature. or natural curiosity. i mean, come on! WHAT IF?

*the lunch meats would be thrown at a large hand drawn target clumsily scratched onto the pristine white walls with pink highlighter pen. score would be kept meticulously. AND I WOULD WIN! OH YES! I WOULD PREVAIL AGAINST ALL IMAGINARY ODDS WITH MY THROWING OF LUNCH MEATS!

expiration date

yesterday as i sat drinking a pint and contemplating the sox beating the yankees on a not so big screen i came to a realization.

i did not realize that God was shining down on me or that i had left the oven on. no what i realized was much more mundane but just as far reaching.

i realized i had been in that bar before.

for once it's not what you think. yes i have been in certain establishments and suddenly remembered a long ago sloshfest. but not this time. this time i remembered playing wing man as (then best girl friend) leigh smoozed up two 7 foot tall australian hotties.

she was successful that night. so successful in fact that she married one of said hotties a few years ago.

i was not invited to the wedding. the 7 foot tall significant other and i did not get along. after 10 years of knowing we would be each others bridesmaids i was not even notified of the impedning nuptials.

this is not a bad thing.

after a year or two of being half heartedly pissed i realized what a shitty friend she was. not just for not inviting me to her wedding or cutting me off without a backward glance. no she was shitty because she never played MY wingman, because she subtly put me down all the time, because she was BLOND BLOND BLOND!

and once again, as with my ex gay husband, my first stepmother and that drummer i dated for five minutes i realized i was better off. so so much better.

some people grow up, some people grow apart but some people are just bitches.

BLOND BLOND BLOND!

tanya vs. tawney

who is hotter? who is a better role model for tina to aspire to? who is a better cheesy sci fi actress? i present the evidence:

tanya's films & tv shows:

1. a view to a kill
2. beastmaster (1,000 points)
3. sheena queen of the jungle
4. charlies angels
5. that seventies show

tawney's films and tv shows/appearances:

1. witchboard
2. WKRP in cinncinnatti
3. whitesnake videos (2)

tawney: 5
tanya: 1,005

round 1 goes to: TANYA!

***coming soon***
a photo comparison to judge hotness. as soon as i figure out what the hell is wrong with with my browser. html option has vanished. pishaw! huff!

what sucks and what doesn't

what sucks:

1. i quit smoking over a 6 weeks ago and i STILL want to rip your head off
2. a virus decimated my computer and i lost most of my files
3. i never finished my living will*

what doesn't suck:

1. i quit smoking
2. i am EXTREMELY assertive since quitting. GIVE ME YOR HEAD.
3. i am going to italy in june. italy. to live in a villa within an olive grove. hahahahahahhahahahahahaha. yay!**

*do NOT pull any plugs until at least 2 years have gone past the point of no return. i am persistant and will prevail. unless there is pain. in that case, put on some ACDC, feed me 5 or 20 cigarettes and pull it. hard.

**dear giovanni,
tu est uno bello huomo. thank you for showing me a buonisimo time. thank you for declaring your love and "giving it to me good" under the olive tree. i will never forget you or the wine-fuled nights, mornings or afternoons of UNBELIEVEABLE passion. ti amo!
ciao,
bellisamo chichina