FUMB (olina)

when i was litte

i was a thumb sucker

this is how i stopped:



mommy: tina tina- u r such a pretty little girl. do u want to stay pretty?

me: yes and smart and nice and stuff too.

mommy: yes all that too. u know what tho?

me: chicken butt?

mommy: no for serious. u know what?

me: who's there?

mommy: god damn it- i am fo' realz! if u keep sucking ur thumb u wont b as pretty cuz u'll have buck teef

me: u mean i will never b miss america?!??!!?!?!?!?!?*

mommy: well i cannot guarantee u will ever b miss america even if u do stop sucking ur thumb but it would deffy b a deterent to winning

me: ok- but- um- if i keep sucking my thumb i wont get to b at least as pretty as miss ameirca- like theoretically and shit?

mommy: todes. miss america isnt always that sooper pretty without her plaster and fake boobs and vas on her teef and stuff- keep that in mind tuh

me: wtf does that mean? i am five.

mommy: never mind

me: ok. i love u mommy. let's have doughnutz

mommy: good idea tina tina!


it was at this point that the bizarre ammount of ballet, yoga and gymnastics i had done for a five year old came into play as i switched to my FUMB

mommy: dear lord child- what r u doing?

me: sucking my fumb

mommy: ur what? that looks disgusting

me: my foot-tumb- my fumb- and its quite flavorful actually

mommy: ok - look- kid- while i applaud ur ability to find loopholes at 5 years old and shit - there r NO LOOPHOLES when it comes to buck teef. k?

me: o snap

mommy: k?

me: ksies

mommy: tina tina u will make a good lawyer 1 day

me: no i wont. but i will have an oral fixation b/c of this

mommy: o SNAP!




*for sum reason i thought miss america was the pinacle of feminine beauty. also miss piggy and princess leah. snot!