VERY IMPORTANT THEORY

if someone's pinky finger does NOT fit PERFECTLY into their NOSTRIL- RUN AWAY. there is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with that motherfucker. SERIOUSLY, TRY IT. i bet yours fits like sonny and fucking cher. if it DOES NOT then PLEASE for the LOVE of GOD stay away FROM ME.

move over DARWIN b/c i have just started to THEORIZE about BIOLOGY and SHIT.

booyah AND shazam

FUMB (olina)

when i was litte

i was a thumb sucker

this is how i stopped:



mommy: tina tina- u r such a pretty little girl. do u want to stay pretty?

me: yes and smart and nice and stuff too.

mommy: yes all that too. u know what tho?

me: chicken butt?

mommy: no for serious. u know what?

me: who's there?

mommy: god damn it- i am fo' realz! if u keep sucking ur thumb u wont b as pretty cuz u'll have buck teef

me: u mean i will never b miss america?!??!!?!?!?!?!?*

mommy: well i cannot guarantee u will ever b miss america even if u do stop sucking ur thumb but it would deffy b a deterent to winning

me: ok- but- um- if i keep sucking my thumb i wont get to b at least as pretty as miss ameirca- like theoretically and shit?

mommy: todes. miss america isnt always that sooper pretty without her plaster and fake boobs and vas on her teef and stuff- keep that in mind tuh

me: wtf does that mean? i am five.

mommy: never mind

me: ok. i love u mommy. let's have doughnutz

mommy: good idea tina tina!


it was at this point that the bizarre ammount of ballet, yoga and gymnastics i had done for a five year old came into play as i switched to my FUMB

mommy: dear lord child- what r u doing?

me: sucking my fumb

mommy: ur what? that looks disgusting

me: my foot-tumb- my fumb- and its quite flavorful actually

mommy: ok - look- kid- while i applaud ur ability to find loopholes at 5 years old and shit - there r NO LOOPHOLES when it comes to buck teef. k?

me: o snap

mommy: k?

me: ksies

mommy: tina tina u will make a good lawyer 1 day

me: no i wont. but i will have an oral fixation b/c of this

mommy: o SNAP!




*for sum reason i thought miss america was the pinacle of feminine beauty. also miss piggy and princess leah. snot!

tiny ecosystem (a folk/rock fusion ballad)

tiny ecosystem
in my apartment
which is kind of small
but self sustaining
with flora and fauna
and different climate zones
like the refridgerator
and the kitties and cocharoaches
run amock amongst
the free roaming tumbleweeds
which are just balls of kitty fur
that make my boyfriend sneeze
it's a tiny ecosystem
with fertilization
going on in the litter box
and moldy fruit
in the fruit drawer
of my refridgerator
a tiny ecosystem
cleaning would throw off
the balance of nature
so i decided to wait awhile
and enjoy the ecosystem
in my aparrrrtttment

tiny sadist (a rock ballad)

tiny sadist
whipping your bottom
with tiny whips
and tiny paddles
it's not really painful
but it's kind of annoying
so it's slightly sadistic
but not really
i'm a
tiny sadist
whipping and paddling
with tiny instruments
of toooortuuuure

tiny elefants (a folk ballad)

tiny elefaaants
singing songs
in my underpaaants
when i eat mexican
but they get nervous
and stop their singing
because of stage fright
then they start againzies
singing and singing
they are
tiny elefaaants
singing songs
in my underpaaants

it's a fact!

PoZi-tRoN

for sum bizarre reason i've been a lil down in the dumpers, mostly due to a certain skank factor* in short, not the sort of thing that usually affects me at all. so to combat my back-atcha bitchiness** i've taken to ye old stand by from my new age hippy yearz:



positive affirmations***



i kid u not, they werk, and they can b fun and very specific and it's very hard to b in a bad mood when u feel so durn silly!



so here r sum for u to do- and by do i mean say them to urself or write them down a buncha times or- what the hell- put em in ur pipe and smoke em- THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BE TRUE- BUT THEY WILL BE- OH YES:

1. holy crap i make a lot of money! yay!

2. goawd i am suh hawt- look at my taute little bum bum! yay!

3. wowza do i have alotta shoes- and they r all scrumdilinctious! yay!

4. my apt is so much better than madonna's or SJP's! you can find me at 100 happyayay street, yaytown USA! yay!


5. did i mention my job is todes awes/ mad easy/ generally funzies? b/c it is- yay!

6. dont even get me started on my wunderful lurv life- b/c u will eat ur own face off in a fit of jealousy! yay!




*PABs- passive aggressive bitches dood! or as i like to call them, skanks

**today i had totally eviwl brain action- staring at this PAB and thinking "the cheap whore look doesnt age well" that is uncalled 4 on my part- nevertheless- todes TRUH- loose the sequins chika!

***AKA POZ VIZ or "the stanley"

wordsicle

much ado has been made of my way with werdz, i've been accused of talking like a fourteen year old*, confusing the masses, and making fun of the mentally disabled**



in my defense i say this:

don't b todes metabs- get with the proge and use a lil creativz when u speak at me- make mah earz happytown usa peeps! fo realzies- me likee a lil musak in my hearin drumz- and into my eyeballz a lil dash of sumptin sump- done b intrimidrated by a lil diffy gramticalz- it all makes sense whin u open ur <3 and mind- use dah brain fo sumptin mo than the obvs- hollah! what what????***









*one fourzies (it's TRUH- i so AMZIES!!!)

**TABS SPESH

***yes, i know i sound a bit like jarjar here, but it is not on purpsies- swearzies

****a few years ago, i tried, in vain, to sread the word RIPSHIT. i have learned from my folly and now only use the word amongst the deniznes of upstate new york