bummer

how to bum a cigarette in new york: a treatise


i am living in the space between smoker and non- if i buy a pack i will smoke them all in one day. so i bum. quite frequently in fact.

the whole point is this: i feel incredible awkward when mooching. so i offer to buy one- this seems to convice the smoker who is "holding" that i am serious and appreciate the cost. but surprisingly few people will take the standard 50 cents i offer**

the people you are about to mooch from are the most important factor in determining your sucess or failure. though the weather also makes an impact. sunny days make people generous. then again, a cute boy in williamsburgh gave me a half a pack on the street because i was soaked and on the verge of tears. after he had walked a block away he came back and gave me his lighter.***

approach:

groups of men standing outside a bar or office
solitary men standing anywhere
solitary women standing outside a bar

do NOT approach:

angry looking people
groups of girls standind anywhere
secretaries in the midst of a bitch fest
couples***

and for god's sake don't try to bum from someone who is on their cellphone, or walking or looks like they smoke menthols*****

one final note: cute old ladies who have cigarette cases are usually very generous but occaissionally you will get the mother of all things evil and unholy. make sure she is not angry and you must absolutely make her take the money. many senior citizens are living on a fixed income after all.

*well 4 or 5 a day if you want to get technical

**in quarters! everybody needs quarters!

***the exception to this is if theya re standing outside a swingers club. then you can probably get whatever you want. if you are into that.

****oh my god- i just realized i should have grabbed that guy and dragged his ass to the alter. where are you gentlemanly cigarette boy? i love you!

*****you can tell. i'm not exactly how i can tell but there is some sort of red flag. there's something fussy and suicidal about menthol smokers.

excessive vanity

quiz show:

how vain is your ass? i am coming to realize the depth and scope of my vanity- it is impressive. though i am not superficial i am coming to terms with the fact that i am a vain-ass motherfucker.*

here are a few of the more insane things i have done to myself in the pursuit of TOTAL PERFECTION** play along with me- it's fun!

you might be excessively vain if you have ever:

• rubbed preparation h on your tits for the firming effect***
• started using anti aging creams at 21 (result = zit valhalla)
  
• secretly exercised on the subway (this does not count if you are exercising your vagina****)
• deep conditioned your eyelashes

*this basically means that i eagerly date chubby and/or hairy men, think fat girls are super cute and am generally pleased by most faces and forms.*****

**PSYCHE!

***this is very dangerous btw- that shit raises your blood pressue if you use too much. my tits looked like they were 16 again though!

****everybody does that and if they dont then they probably dont have an awesomely STRONG VEEJAY for good grunt grunt.

*****the only reason i know this is odd is because other people have told me that some of the men i date are fat and furry or that the girl i think is adorable really isn't or that i am compeltely insane regarding all things esthetic. ******

******on second thought, perhaps i am right and everyone else is just super critical. isn't there something beautiful about everyone? plus, i am not actually that vain i am simply very creative when it comes to putting weird shit on my face. correct.

lap dance

yesterday i was invited to a bachelor party

i experienced the following emotions:

1. pride. i was a to be the only GIRL invited!*
2. envy. would i become morose and insecure thereby causing me to rip off some underage breastesses?**
3. lust. they promised me lap dances. lots and lots of lap dances.
4. avarice. they promised to pay for the baseball game and the lap dances. lots and lots of lap dances.
5. guilt. my boyfriend was not terribly psyched about my mission.

after this emotional tumult i finally answered yes to the invitation. i was dying to get behind enemy lines and see what the naughty boys really did without their ladies in attendance. plus, i am a strip club virgin.*** however within 24 hours of this the following shit hit the fllowing fans:

1. the soon-to-wife of the aforementioned bachelor shreiked "what?!?"
2. the girlfriend of another attendee grabbed him by the balls and shrieked "what does she get to go if i dont get to go. ME GO"
3. the wife of another attendee stated in a calm but firm voice "i dont want any drunk girls in that limo."

the proverbial foot was put proverbally down. thus the invitation was revoked and mama goes without experiencing the forbidden lap dance.



*i am THAT COOL
**i too have a nice pair
***yes wise ass, i am still SOME sort of virgin****


****a few kinds actually- look at me- i'm SO INNOCENT! *****




*****please sexy pirate- don't deflower me! i'm just an innocent maiden! WINK

huff it up!

after a short delay we will be back with our regularly scheduled programming.

see this:

http://characterdogrun.com