cance

1. cancer is not funny

2. it is fucked up to give it a cute nickname like "cance"*

3. i am twisted (b/c the other day i found it amusing to use this glibly in response to an assinine comment*)


here's the sitch:

women r funny about their weight, they r funny about your weight, and they r really extra funny when a bitch is skinny.*** so this aquaintance makes a casual but really obnoxious (read : passive agressive) comment about my body***** and being skinny or anorex or whatevs. so of course i just have to say "yeah, i know. it's the cance."

so she says "what?" and i say "nothing (bitch)" and we all go on our merry fucking way. why did i puss out? see #1.


and yes, it was funny as fuck. that PA****** bitch was hard of hearing.









*extra fucked to start calling it "the cance" like a night club, and/or saying it in a cute voice (which is what i did).

**i wasn't even being glib. i was being a bitch. go me!

***the same thing applies to when a woman has a great boyfriend/job or shoes. esp shoes****

****not ALL women dumbass. none of my bff's act that way- but they LIKE themselves so it's totally diffy. it's a generalization- see entry below- K.I.S.S.

*****which i take personally b/c i am pretty fond of it.

******passive aggresive. in fact, let's just use PAB to stand for an woman who is sneakily putdownishly unpleasant to be around. or a man. i am equal opportunity here. we all on the same page bra? PAB*******

*******i sound so angry don't i? lalalala. hmm... well, at least i'm honest about it. i dont smile and call someone a PAB. oh but i'm gonna start. hmmmmm... this is not a good trend.********

********ok so maybe i'm tired, it's been a hard day and i'm a little grousy. i will solve this by doing some deep breathing, yoga and meditation********

*********no i wont. it's called a drink, a smoke and a poke. oooooooommmmmmmmm.

church V brunch

i have come to believe that the #1 thing that separates those in NY and LA from the rest of the country is where they spend their sunday mornings.


brunch versus church*


yes yes, we all know that people in ny and la marry later, make more money, are more fashion forward etc** but it's really that blissful time btwn 10 am and 2 pm on a pleasant sunday that defines us. so next weekend, make a note of your first impulse. if you want to go out for a nice bloody or mimosa- but you live in- say oklahoma- it's time to make a move. if u r in ny and you are thinking about god, well, good on ya, you are a better woman than i. now go eat some eggs. and some sausage. and have a drink while you're at it. sunday funday!








*on an interesting sidenote- my building's handyman has been telling me to go to church. every saturday he reminds me to go. i think he's onto me...

**no, my beautiful san fran- i am not forgetting or disregarding you- i am just trying to keep things simple and generalize.***

***i used to try and not generalize but it just makes things so much easier! esp when making generalizations about people's race, gender or religion- done, done and done!

stardust

this weekend a spacecraft* landed, ending a 7 year journey through the cosmos. the craft, not-so-creatively named "stardust", was on an expedition collecting samples of interstellar** dust and debris.

though it will take some time for NASA*** to release the findings i would like to take a stab at guessing what they find.

i predict the SPACECRAFT**** will have brought back:



1. signs of other intellegent (or semi intellegent) life

2. my keys from my college apartment at 135 Comstock Avenue, Syracuse NY

3. our next president******













*doncha just love saying that? spacecraftspacecraftSPACECRAFT!

**and again: interstellarinterstellarINTERSTELLAR! yaysies.

***did i ever tell you about my mother's first post-divorce boyfriend? i was 7 or 8 when she met him. he was very young, very cute and VERY blond. his name was jeff. my mother, being sensitive to my feelings, asked me if i liked him. my response? "he's cute but he's no rocket scientist". now, jeff was only in college when my mother dated him (GO MOM!) but apparently he went on to study very hard, attend grad school at MIT and become (you guessed it) a rocket scientist for NASA*****

****yayayayayayayayayayYAY!

*****this makes me the anti-psychic, a bad judge of character/ ludicrously wrong. or it could just mean that to make an astoundingly accurate prediction i need just go with my first instinct, stop and reverse it. tada!

******this being the "semi-intellegent" life form i was referencing above. seriously, it would be a step up no?*******

*******can we have president clinton back? please? pretty super duper please? no, really, i'm begging.********

********now i am depressed. damn you presidential term limits! what will make me feel better? i know! SPACECRAFT INTERSTELLAR! (look up****)

fuck you AND your resolutions

things that suck in january:

1. the weather
2. the gym


i'm sure there is something else but pretty little number 2 is what i would like to focus on.




here is my plea to everyone who decides on jan 1 to go to the gym more often and then does for one week or one month and stops again in january:



DON'T BOTHER.



seriously, stop. you are taking up all the machines, you are making a big show of it, you are grunting for no reason, in short, you are pissing me off.

listen, do you really want to get in shape anyway? you know you are basically a lazy person* and THAT IS OKAY. there are two kinds of people- those who work out and those who don't. all you other assholes who ARE NOT BEING YOURSELVES AND DENYING GOD** by pretending to start a fitness regime.

and please please please stop grunting and winking. this is mostly for the dudes, yes but everyone- stop making it out to be a big deal. if you really want to get in shape, then take the tina test- are you fucking relaxed? no? then find a way to fucking relax. it's no big whoop. stop killing yourself over it, just go*** and do a couple of things. if you stop stressing, you'll probably get in shape by accident. that's how i roll. here, let me break it down:


FOR THOSE WHO ARE DETERMINED TO "STICK TO THEIR LAME ASS RESOLUTIONS AND OVERCROWD THE GYM FOR ONE MONTH":

1. get up (or home) and put on sneakers/sports bra/whatevs without even thinking about it****

2. go for a walk

3. end up at (again- hopefully not the same one as me) the gym

4. do something easy for a little while

5. if you are feeling rock star then rock it out with some massive weights and an hour of cardio

6. if you are feeling a bit under the weath or tired then call if day after 20 minutes WITHOUT ANY GUILT. you went didn't you?

7. repeat. and again, stop being a douche. thank you and you are welcome.










*no, smartass, this is not a "note to self"

**yeah, i said GOD. be true to thine own lazy ass non gym going self - otherwise you are spitting in GOD'S eye. and GOD does not like that. repent that oh hogger of stairclimber.

***to another gym. one that i am not in. please- i am begging you.

****and without being self congratulatory- seriously- again- no biggie hombre- relax. no one is handing out prizes for sweatiest.*****

*****actually, that's not a bad idea. i shall pitch it to degree. and then the sweatiest will get free deodordant. it's a win win situation.