maybe mom

today at duane reade* whilst picking up my antipsychotic happy time pills** i happened, perchance to glance up and saw a box that read:



"MAYBE MOM"*****



this was, u guessed it, a pregnancy test. the least artfully named product of all time perhaps, but the clearest.

now i was NOT THERE to buy a pregtestforyourtrulythankyouverymuch but i was intrigued. who would purchase such a second rate, strangly titled product? not sum teenager terrified of getting a little blue plus sign u can bet. picture this:



marion, a 42 year old woman who has been trying to get pregnant for at least a year, walks into the big DR. she sighs longingly at the johnsons and johnsons baby wipes as she picks up a package of nice and easy (medium brown) and heads over to pick up her husband's sinus medication (bob has allergies!). she reaches for her purse to draw out her rewards club card and the pretty purple "MAYBE MOM" box catches her eye. .. she is a few days late, and- yes! her breast is slightly sore- she thinks as she gropes herself, pinching her nip thoughtfully- "i'll take one of those as well" she says as she points to "MAYBE MOM" unable to say the words aloud... maybe, the box sighs to her... perhaps pregs... she pays and leaves the store. later that night she overdoses on ben and jerry's when the test result is once again neg and reads bob's text messages while he whacks off to cheerleading on ESPN******






















*the big DR, dwayne ready, D-tabs

**i kid! i am totes anti-anti-depresh pills***

***not in a tom cruise**** kind of way but in a "them shits r mad overprescribed and can be harmful dood" kind of way

****TC = D-Tabs

*****in pretty purple script- aw! how sweeeet!

******in all reality i am not this much of a cynic, or a turd*******

*******i'm a romantic! bob is whacking off to soft core on skinimax- while drinking wine in the candlelight!

beep beep mofos

everytime someone comments* on the fact that i am a chainsmokingwinedrinkingbadassworkouthealthfoodfiend i have one thing to say to them:




at least i wont get hit by a bus




it's always these tracksuitwearinghealthylivinggourmeteatingpureasthedrivensnowyuppiemotherfuckers jogging through the fall folliage in maine who get bitch slapped by a semi. whoopsies!





and yes, lest u think me a plagarist i know billy j said it first, and best. only the good die young.**



my advice = get a vice***














*and they do. frequently- shut upskies alreadskies!

**my ass is living till 100 and u will still be able to bounce a quarter off it. thank you.

***just dont smoke****

****unless u r cool BECAUSE SMOKING IS COOL*****

*****sad but truuh

click on the link for cherry pop's hot track "beep beep". enjoy!