whore's paint

last night was girl's night:


1. we saw a show
2. drank wine
3. went to a sex shop*
4. stumbled drunkenly into sephora**



this is how that particular situation plays out:


annonymous friend: so where should we go for another drink?

tina: it's almost 11:30- i really think i should just go ho- SEPHORA!

annonymous friend: OMYGODGOODIDEA! (grabs my hand and drags me into traffic twoard the glorious glowing beacon of beauty products)

tina: WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

annonymous friend: bitch, if you don't put on some blue eyeshadow i'm gonna punch you in the face!

tina: i'm on it! (begins feverishly applying blue-green eyemaeup with disposable applicators)


30 minutes later....



annonymous friend: do you like the glitter?

tina: ohmygod- i need some too! (applies glitter with breathless abandon)

annonymous friend: you are so tan!

tina: thanks- i used four diffy bronzers (poses as if actually tan)

annonymous friend: do you like the red?

tina: so audry hep- wow! we look like whores!

annonymous friend: hot fucking slut whores!

tina: totes

annonymous friend: so where should we go for a drink?

tina: we can't go to a bar. this is time's square and WE LOOK LIKE WHORES

annonymous friend: oh (looks sad)

tina: (hugs friend) let's go home and wash this crap off. we can be secret subway whores for a halfsy****.

annonymous friend: ROCK!














*screw you perverts- we just wanted new vibrators!

**upscale cosmetics SUPERSTORE! it's delightful and ridiuclous and overwhelming and very dangerous for someone tipsy, vain and on a budget***

***who me? *eyelash flutter giggle wink*

****the half hour it takes to ride the subway. learn to abbreviate and add cute little suffoxes to your words people!!! GOSH (goshsies)

it's SO BIG

yes, it's true. duane reade and other drug stores are carrying more than "ribbed for her pleasure". now you can buy vibrating cock rings, heated lube, flavored gels, and condoms made specially FOR YOUR ASS.



last evening, while picking up a prescription around 11 PM i witnessed and overheard a strange dance*.

as i waited for the scrip to be filled** people came in and surreptitiously checked out the various products. my friend rob and i were commenting on the purchasing habits of these sexually active (& RESPONSIBLE) peeps when the girl working behind the register spoke up****





she told us:

1. how uncomfortable she was when people bought condoms

2. how she had to warm people about this particular brand with "warming lotion" which was frequently returned to the store*****

3. and best of all- how EVERY SINGLE MAN who bought the MAGNUM****** sized condoms behaved exactly the same way:

they swagger up to the counter, grab the MAGNUMS, toss them aggressively onto the counter and say: "yeah- i'll take these".********













*and by dance i mean the awkward purchase of condoms by several intoxicated young men, a surly older man who didn't look POSITIVE he was going to get to use them, and a couple who went right for the french ticklers.

**which incidentally is for a topical skin cream that has the possible side effect of DEATH BY DIAHREA. for serious.***

***don't worry though- i'm fine. now if you'll excuse me i have this sudden strong urge to use the bathroom.

****19. bitter. undereducated. hella funny.

*****yeah- um- SURPRISE! haha. heh. serves you right fuckers! (but ewwwwww- what do they do with returned condoms? double eeewwwwww!)

******oh it's so BIG! SO SO BIG! (yeah magnums are for those of above average girth. if you have to ask, you'll never know)

*******YEAH! FUCKING A! now, what is your phone number?