i am in a huff - unsolicited advice from the huffiest

starfucker, the band

2008-01-20T16:24:00.001-05:00

jen & angie on US Weekly!

2007-12-29T22:20:00.001-05:00

jen & angie

2007-12-29T22:04:00.000-05:00

i DONT hATE Phil COllins as much I THOUGht!

2007-07-25T16:31:00.000-04:00

i have been trying once again to look at things in a positive manner- alla the secret (i know i know). i think i'm on a three month cycle of being super positive and proactive then sliding downward and catching myself to start again.

anyway today i hit a new bench mark- while trying not to use the word 'hate" i actually discovered a song in which i (for the first time ever ever EVER) i do NOT HATE PHIL COLLINS!!!!

easy lover- while not BY phil collins (shudder) persay does in fact feature his pseudo sexy (VOMit) voice and i like it! yay easy lover! yay phillip baily! its a FUCKING MIRACLE PEOPLE!

everyone

2007-06-30T01:08:00.000-04:00

in the movie "sleepaway camp"

is italian

everyone

2007-06-29T09:52:00.000-04:00

on the train was thinking the same thing

that homeless woman has a great ass

amigos imaginarios

2007-05-22T09:25:00.000-04:00

i am learning to speak spanish- bien lento- by trying to learn one word every day.
this is KIND of working- i am not quite getting an actual word a day but the same three words over and over again- i HAVE learned and will NEVER forget how to ask for- no DEMAND that you GIVE ME a hug:

DAME
UN
ABRAZO

this i sing and shout at people all day who think i am crazy but often do in fact provide some semblance of a hug.

CHEVERE!

leave alec baldwin alone!

2007-04-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

for cry-eye! he's a very nice guy & kind to children- he lives near my parents and always does his thomas the train man voice for my little bros/sis. plus i drove down his drive way by accident once and he was a total peach. give me a break!

DICK tionary

2007-03-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

i make up werds all the time. i thought i should start a running list so people can share the love. after perusing the list you will notice that many of these werds refer to my privates and use the suffix "gine" or are otherwise inappropraite. sorry kids, thats how i roll. look for new installments DAILY*

1. cloner- clit boner
2. handgine- the webbing btwn the fingers
3. fumb- foot thumb/big toe
4. mangurt- it looks like yogurt but its not
5. huggrunt- the sound u make when hugged too hard. lurv it!
6. skankino- one who is extra skanky
7. PAB- passive aggressive bitch
8. tab spesh- one who is slow but not on purps**
9. blarp- greeting indicating post lunch gassitude
10. pozitron- a positive visualization ROBOT

*hahahaha yeah rite. sucker!
**oldskies but goodskies

cuddle math

2007-01-12T18:10:00.000-05:00

nap + hug = cuddle

grapefruit + codeine = bad

2007-01-12T17:33:00.000-05:00

very bad. jennfier jason leigh in rush bad. dead babies crawling off the ceiling in trainspotting bad. puking and passing out on bathroom floor bad. BAD. check it before u eat a grapefruit. in fact, from now i am avoiding ALL CITRUS when taking medications. FUCK CITRUS.

MISSING:

2007-01-06T13:14:00.000-05:00

my trust fund. where is it? WHERE?

heeerrrreeee trust fund! *whistles* here tons of money! here! come to mama! thats a good trust fund... *scratches head* gooooood obscenely large ammount of money i didnt work for *gives bisquit* gooooooodddd...

friendship... lite

2006-12-18T13:23:00.000-05:00

is it better to cut off a friendship with sever limitations or simply downgrade it to the low-cal version?

friendship lite

unfortunately active ingredients: idontcalltocancelwithenoughnoticethat-
youareabletomakefallbackplansosis, reallyiliketositonthelapofanymanin-
thevicinityincludingyourboyfriendandwigglemyheinyarroundonhislaposis,
itsallaboutmemememeMEosis, nonewsisgoodnewswhenitsyournewsbecauseits-
allaboutmynewsosis, taketaketakeytimeosis, iliketoembarasassyouwithoersonaldetailsinmixedcompanyosis,
youdonttotallytrustmeandyourarenotsurehwybutyouhaveapretty-
goodfeelingyouarerightnottoosis, promiseisjustawordandmeansnothingtomeosis, yesimyoungerandthinnerthanyouandtakeeveryopportunitytopointthatshitoutinfront-
ofboysosis

children. shame. children.

2006-11-30T15:14:00.000-05:00

over thanksgiving dinner the family casa, a generally well read and somewhat over-educated group, were dicussing politcs, hillary clinton's bid for presidency and the cyclical nature of the dem's recent rise to power to be precise*. there being children present, they piped up and asked- what's a democwat? republypub? to which i answered:

have you seen the movie star wars? *children nod* well the democRATS (yes i corrected them- disdainfully- i enjoy it- it makes me feel superior- and i AM) the democRATS are like luke skywalker and han solo- the good guys *children nod* and the RE-PUB-LI-CANS are like darth vader and the evil empire *ooooo* clearly, they get it

my family stared at me for a moment in awe. this was clearly manipulative and an oversimplification and not entirely fair to the RE-PUB-LI-CANS but as the silence drew out... *EVERONE nods* yes- everyone.

i KNOW i should not say such things to children. but i do. oh yes i do. and once again- i enjoy

*historically- in the handful of second term presendencies the pendulum of public favor almost always swings in the other direction- taking the house and senate with it. thems the breaks folks- the peeps just get fed up- yup- its TRU

**on a side note- as the oldest of 6 children- by quite a bit to tell the TROOT- i often tell my other sisters that the little ones say i am the best and prettiest of all the girls. while not definitively a statement of fact i do belive that if u say anything often enuff it becomes the TROOT. btw- i am the best and prettiest. awes.

rocky mountain high

2006-11-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

let me first say this:

i do not have an actual full length mirror

let me then say this:

this AM i saw myself reflected in a large window

and let me end with this:

i had dressed myself in such a way that i closely resemebled a streetwalker, from denver, circa 1977

or as my office bud put it, so jodi foster in taxi driver- a look to strive for- brava! but again, there's something todes colorado about the look- denv or at least boulder- hear me now- what!

hmmmmmmmm... i look like a whore. but- on a positive note- i look like an UNDERAGE whore. this is FANATASTIC NEWZ!

husky

2006-11-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

my friend at werk is sickydick (literalz) and has a deep scratchy voice today. so i am having super extra fun having her say all the things a lady mite long to hear. LET'S GO!

best things to hear female coworker say with her temp MAN VOICE (close ur eyes & relaK):

1. i love you for your mind as much as your body

2. no no, i will carry that for you my darling

3. women, especially you, grow more enticing with age

4. yes i am glad britney got fat too

5. yes that girl over there is beautiful but for some reason i am repulsed by her

6. your bottom is pure perfection

7. no please dont shower- your natural odor is enticing

8. those pussycat dolls- boring!

9. yes, tell me more about the details and minutae of you day. and inner thoughts and feeling. pleaze! i could listen for hours...

10. i find your vulgar and robust sense of humor enticing and not at all threatening

*please note- just about anything with the words robust or enticing will do the trick

**please please note note- i am doing this more to torture my friend- now named MANVOICE- i actually hear all the nice things a girl could ask 4 from my my very own hunnybunny- smilzies!

hand-gine

2006-11-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

this morning i got a paper cut in the worst place ever*

the hand-gine, or hand-ginA, finger-crotch, digi-puss: that delicate, petal like place where your fingers meet and greet each oths

while this is indeed bad, i could only fall to my knees and thank the heavens above that i wasnt an eighteenth century fishwife who spent the whole day salting and/or pickling herring. WITH A PAPER CUT IN THE DIGIPUSS. ALL DAY WITH NO RESPITE IN SITE**

*besides tongue or i suppose ur gentials proper, not the manual fascimilie thereof, or eyeball- that would suK tuh

**everytime i rhyme on accident i gots to give meself a full-on shout out: YO! WHAT WHAT! I'M A POET AN' I DIN'T EVEN KNOW IT! HOLLLLLAAAAH (ATCHA BITCHES) WHAT!

martha JR

2006-11-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

so i'm trying to reno my fabu new home- or at least make my old 1 less grubby. thus i've been reading a lot of home deco magz. these people make me sick. i would really aprreciate sum of their mun. like, the whole diamonds on the shoe thang? member dat? can i, um, have just onesies? student loans = fini! anywayz i came up with a few low budge tips of my own- yer welc!

1. fancy old teapots = great place to keep tea bags and spices

2. old luggage = gorge storge

2. seashells = candle holder, incense burner, soap dish, change catcher

i'm todes serial & will add more handy tippetas as i progresh- now wish me luckskies as i take up the screw drivah and ye old paintbroosh

finansh resolush

2006-11-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

to remedy my finansh situash i am taking the follwing VERY SERIOUS AND EFFECTIVE STEPS:

1. poz viz*

2. stop shopping

3. stop eating

4. use feet instead of limo

5. set up a paypal account and SHAME my family**

*i am wealthy beyond my fondest dreams, riches of every sort are drawn to me, my income is constantly increasing, i rule and am generally todes awes, etc etc

**SHAME. what a good word. SHAMESHAMESHAME. yay!

EV SING DAYZIES

2006-10-31T17:12:00.000-05:00

my horoscope saiz the same damn thing ev SING day:

cc- u r todes awes- it's like BEYOND comprehensh how awes- and- like- just so much BETTER than every 1 else. anyway, since u r so totally greatskies ur gonna have ANUTH FAB DAYZIES- as per ush- so if u feel like mixing it up or whatevs u should play the lottery cuz u will SO WIN.

it's awes being muh- sho nuff

napitation

2006-10-30T12:49:00.000-05:00

i am attempting to meditate. not just to learn but to actually hold still and do it. as a professionalperpetualmotionmachine this is much harder than it may seem.

the other issue is that the rare times i AM able to hold still and start deep breathing this IMMEDIATELY leads to deep sleeping. thus napitation. its clears ur mind AND u often get a bonus side of drool.

now, the next mission is to find a way to SUBTLEY catch sum Z's at work. the desk nap i just attempted was todes obvs- several people giggled as they walked by- which disturbed my slumber quite frankly. is there a way to sleep without laying sideways or placing head on desk? i am open all suggestions- in fact- let's treat this as an essay contest! pencils up! GO!

fancy nap

2006-10-28T14:45:00.000-04:00

i know i am special, and important, and loved, and fancy pantsy whenever i go into a restaurant bathroom and those have those awesome hand towels that are half paper half cloth. it's like- happytown for my lil mittsies- extra special nicey nice- and makes me want to do a project runway type challenge- make a frock out of the fancy naps- u could probably even water color that shit all artistic and whatnot- funfunfun = yay!

o yes, it really is the little things

fart fever

2006-10-18T17:09:00.000-04:00

forsooth!

i have named the mysterious ailment spreading through my place of employment. it involves cramping of the innards and a hot flush upon the cheek- and yes, it even has a ballad writ in it's honor.

fart fever theme song:

i'm burning up
buring up (full of farts)
i'm burning up
burning up (full of farts)
i'm burning up
burning up (full of farts)
full of farrrrrtttsss!

do u want to see me down on my knees
i'm bending over backwards now would you please
i'm not the others i'll let one rip in public
i'm not the same i have no shame
my ass is on fire!

etcetera etcetera ad nauseum. literally.

VERY IMPORTANT THEORY

2006-09-25T11:13:00.000-04:00

if someone's pinky finger does NOT fit PERFECTLY into their NOSTRIL- RUN AWAY. there is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with that motherfucker. SERIOUSLY, TRY IT. i bet yours fits like sonny and fucking cher. if it DOES NOT then PLEASE for the LOVE of GOD stay away FROM ME.

move over DARWIN b/c i have just started to THEORIZE about BIOLOGY and SHIT.

booyah AND shazam

FUMB (olina)

2006-09-25T10:36:00.000-04:00

when i was litte

i was a thumb sucker

this is how i stopped:

mommy: tina tina- u r such a pretty little girl. do u want to stay pretty?

me: yes and smart and nice and stuff too.

mommy: yes all that too. u know what tho?

me: chicken butt?

mommy: no for serious. u know what?

me: who's there?

mommy: god damn it- i am fo' realz! if u keep sucking ur thumb u wont b as pretty cuz u'll have buck teef

me: u mean i will never b miss america?!??!!?!?!?!?!?*

mommy: well i cannot guarantee u will ever b miss america even if u do stop sucking ur thumb but it would deffy b a deterent to winning

me: ok- but- um- if i keep sucking my thumb i wont get to b at least as pretty as miss ameirca- like theoretically and shit?

mommy: todes. miss america isnt always that sooper pretty without her plaster and fake boobs and vas on her teef and stuff- keep that in mind tuh

me: wtf does that mean? i am five.

mommy: never mind

me: ok. i love u mommy. let's have doughnutz

mommy: good idea tina tina!

it was at this point that the bizarre ammount of ballet, yoga and gymnastics i had done for a five year old came into play as i switched to my FUMB

mommy: dear lord child- what r u doing?

me: sucking my fumb

mommy: ur what? that looks disgusting

me: my foot-tumb- my fumb- and its quite flavorful actually

mommy: ok - look- kid- while i applaud ur ability to find loopholes at 5 years old and shit - there r NO LOOPHOLES when it comes to buck teef. k?

me: o snap

mommy: k?

me: ksies

mommy: tina tina u will make a good lawyer 1 day

me: no i wont. but i will have an oral fixation b/c of this

mommy: o SNAP!

*for sum reason i thought miss america was the pinacle of feminine beauty. also miss piggy and princess leah. snot!

tiny ecosystem (a folk/rock fusion ballad)

2006-09-25T09:54:00.000-04:00

tiny ecosystem
in my apartment
which is kind of small
but self sustaining
with flora and fauna
and different climate zones
like the refridgerator
and the kitties and cocharoaches
run amock amongst
the free roaming tumbleweeds
which are just balls of kitty fur
that make my boyfriend sneeze
it's a tiny ecosystem
with fertilization
going on in the litter box
and moldy fruit
in the fruit drawer
of my refridgerator
a tiny ecosystem
cleaning would throw off
the balance of nature
so i decided to wait awhile
and enjoy the ecosystem
in my aparrrrtttment

tiny sadist (a rock ballad)

2006-09-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

tiny sadist
whipping your bottom
with tiny whips
and tiny paddles
it's not really painful
but it's kind of annoying
so it's slightly sadistic
but not really
i'm a
tiny sadist
whipping and paddling
with tiny instruments
of toooortuuuure

tiny elefants (a folk ballad)

2006-09-22T15:13:00.000-04:00

tiny elefaaants
singing songs
in my underpaaants
when i eat mexican
but they get nervous
and stop their singing
because of stage fright
then they start againzies
singing and singing
they are
tiny elefaaants
singing songs
in my underpaaants

it's a fact!

2006-09-09T18:16:00.001-04:00

PoZi-tRoN

2006-09-06T19:49:00.000-04:00

for sum bizarre reason i've been a lil down in the dumpers, mostly due to a certain skank factor* in short, not the sort of thing that usually affects me at all. so to combat my back-atcha bitchiness** i've taken to ye old stand by from my new age hippy yearz:

positive affirmations***

i kid u not, they werk, and they can b fun and very specific and it's very hard to b in a bad mood when u feel so durn silly!

so here r sum for u to do- and by do i mean say them to urself or write them down a buncha times or- what the hell- put em in ur pipe and smoke em- THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BE TRUE- BUT THEY WILL BE- OH YES:

1. holy crap i make a lot of money! yay!

2. goawd i am suh hawt- look at my taute little bum bum! yay!

3. wowza do i have alotta shoes- and they r all scrumdilinctious! yay!

4. my apt is so much better than madonna's or SJP's! you can find me at 100 happyayay street, yaytown USA! yay!

5. did i mention my job is todes awes/ mad easy/ generally funzies? b/c it is- yay!

6. dont even get me started on my wunderful lurv life- b/c u will eat ur own face off in a fit of jealousy! yay!

*PABs- passive aggressive bitches dood! or as i like to call them, skanks

**today i had totally eviwl brain action- staring at this PAB and thinking "the cheap whore look doesnt age well" that is uncalled 4 on my part- nevertheless- todes TRUH- loose the sequins chika!

***AKA POZ VIZ or "the stanley"

wordsicle

2006-09-04T20:59:00.000-04:00

much ado has been made of my way with werdz, i've been accused of talking like a fourteen year old*, confusing the masses, and making fun of the mentally disabled**

in my defense i say this:

don't b todes metabs- get with the proge and use a lil creativz when u speak at me- make mah earz happytown usa peeps! fo realzies- me likee a lil musak in my hearin drumz- and into my eyeballz a lil dash of sumptin sump- done b intrimidrated by a lil diffy gramticalz- it all makes sense whin u open ur <3 and mind- use dah brain fo sumptin mo than the obvs- hollah! what what????***

*one fourzies (it's TRUH- i so AMZIES!!!)

**TABS SPESH

***yes, i know i sound a bit like jarjar here, but it is not on purpsies- swearzies

****a few years ago, i tried, in vain, to sread the word RIPSHIT. i have learned from my folly and now only use the word amongst the deniznes of upstate new york

peace in the middle east!

2006-08-28T12:01:00.000-04:00

i have done the insurmountable- i am invinceable- amazing- stupendous- this is the feeling of pleasure and satifaction i have after doing something i've avoided for 3 months:

filing

now there was getting to be enough paper for a good sized bon fire under my desk, interfering with my leg room and inviting good natured ribbing from my coworkers. well, mostly good natured.

here is my question(z):

Q1. would the cocaine like sense of grandiosity be as intense if I HAD FILED ALL ALONG LIKE A GOOD GIRL

A1. no wayzies

Q2. what should i take on next- now that i am all knowing/all powerful and have such GOOD HAIR

A2. peace in the middle east? hunger? aids? i know! i'll get all the bitchy girls i know to be nice to eash other!!! hmmm- maybe thats too big of a challenge...

Q3. what do i want as a reward for my incredible feat of filing? a medal? or a monument?

A3. BOTHSIES! and a hummer. yes girls can get em too. not the car you god damned pollyana!

FOOTNOTE: YAYAYAYAYAIWINIWINWINLALALALAIAMTHEQUEENOFTHEUNIVERSEANDTODESAWESKIESLALAYAYAYAYAYAY-ME THE BEST!

cloner

2006-08-25T12:56:00.000-04:00

definition: the female boner, a small stiffy if u will

uses:

1. literal. "watching all that porn on the internet has given me a cloner."

2. sarcastic. "oh another expense report to fill out? you are giving me a cloner!"

3. figurative. "that chicken catchatory was so good it gave me a cloner."

4. descriptive. "he is so HAWT he's a walking cloner-machine."

ok ladies- this one is on the house- now go forth and tell everyone about the state of your giner! enjoyzies!

suzy homemaker

2006-07-22T15:48:00.000-04:00

i am not. if cleanliness is next to godliness then i am - a couple of miles from his holiness. a couple hundred miles.

it's not that i am dirty or messy. it's just that i am slightly dirty and slightly messy and very very busy being awesome all the time. so here are my tips for the lazy/busy/alltoofabuloustobescrubbing types.

1. get out your mop and scrub brush. put in obvious place where you will have to step over it to get to the bathroom etc.

1.a. when not busy being awesome, take a moment and glare at aforementioned cleaning supplies menacingly. they will not be impressed.

1.b. after several days, give in to the ever present mop/scrub brush/bottle of fantastic and either use it and:

do a very light surfacey kind of cleaning job

OR

return to pantry unused and full of SHAME

2. get out bottles of cleaning supplies. leave in bathroom or kitchen counter for several days.

2. b. whenever you feel them watching you (see 1.a.) grab one and spray it with abandonment all over the counter, wall, sink etc

2.c. allow to dry

2.d. repeat

2.e. eventually the cleaning products will start to discolor the surface they have been repeatedly sprayed upon and you will summarily and disinterestedly wipe them off. *be sure to be halfhearted and resentful as well. it's more efficient.

3. complain about mess until your bestfriendboyfriendmotherorneighbor either:

takes pity on you and does the work themselves

OR

stages an intervention forcing you to face your own fears and take action and actually clean your apartment which looks nice for a week and then not so bad for a few more and then returns to it's sad/sprayed upon/littered with guilt inducing cleaning product state.

YOU
ARE
WELCOME!

plenis

2006-06-25T13:48:00.000-04:00

when your plenis is erect is it tense or relaxed?

do do do do do doooooo
do do do do do
dododododododo
do do do do do doooooo
do
do do do do do doooooo

alex trib: may i have your answer please?

you (dumbass): tense?

alex trib: EH! i'm sorry that is INCORRECT! when your plenis is erect it is actually RELAXED

for realz. this means that you are walking around with a super tense plenis that just cant WAIT to CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

splains a lot about men doesnt it?

trapper keeper

2006-06-05T14:10:00.000-04:00

the continuing adventures of CON GIRL

yes, it's truh- this weekend i was a BOOTH BABE at a COMIC CON in the city of brotherly luh. beyond the mind numbing exhaustion of standing in high heelsies for three dayz i had a few interesting encounters and observations:

encounters:

1. a young man (NERD) ran frantically up to our booth. instead of asking for our photos (natch) or a free t-shirt (chill the fuck out) he asked very politely "excuse me, do you have a folder?" to which i replied "a what?" to which he replied "a folder" to which i replied "no, i'm sorry we do not have a folder". at this point he departed and i replied again to empty space "but i do have a trapper keeper!" NERD

2. people who like comic books also like to take pictures of me. after three days of this i have learned something new: I'M FUCKING HOT. HOT AS BALLZ. TODES*

3. most people will eat their own young for a free t-shirt. FOR REALZ. i saw a woman shove her child 4 feet to get a teesh. and several large male NERDS elbowing, knocking over and generally abusing youngins to get at the free swag. SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN. NERDS

observations:

1. not everyone at the con was a nerd**

2. GEEKS were also present. GEEKS are not as SMART as NERDS

3. i also met a few SPAZ's. a SPAZ has very few redeeming qualities, unlike NERDS who are smart and freaky in the SAC YO'*** or GEEKS who r endearingly eager to discus role playing games*****

*whatevs. but seriously, my ego is OUT OF CONTROL. i just got back from the bathroom where i spent a FULL HALVSIE kissing my reflectionne. i rule.

**the people working were about 50% NERD. there were also some dope artists there. 25% NERD. and me 0% NERD

***i only know this from the film "revenge of the NERDS" in which a well plowed cheerleader asks "are all the NERDS as good as you?" todes.****

****i know not from personal experience. i do not dabble in NERD. i prefer a nice ZORK.

*****nope, not the fun kind of role playing game. like doom or dungeons and dragons. PERV

maybe mom

2006-05-17T23:37:00.000-04:00

today at duane reade* whilst picking up my antipsychotic happy time pills** i happened, perchance to glance up and saw a box that read:

"MAYBE MOM"*****

this was, u guessed it, a pregnancy test. the least artfully named product of all time perhaps, but the clearest.

now i was NOT THERE to buy a pregtestforyourtrulythankyouverymuch but i was intrigued. who would purchase such a second rate, strangly titled product? not sum teenager terrified of getting a little blue plus sign u can bet. picture this:

marion, a 42 year old woman who has been trying to get pregnant for at least a year, walks into the big DR. she sighs longingly at the johnsons and johnsons baby wipes as she picks up a package of nice and easy (medium brown) and heads over to pick up her husband's sinus medication (bob has allergies!). she reaches for her purse to draw out her rewards club card and the pretty purple "MAYBE MOM" box catches her eye. .. she is a few days late, and- yes! her breast is slightly sore- she thinks as she gropes herself, pinching her nip thoughtfully- "i'll take one of those as well" she says as she points to "MAYBE MOM" unable to say the words aloud... maybe, the box sighs to her... perhaps pregs... she pays and leaves the store. later that night she overdoses on ben and jerry's when the test result is once again neg and reads bob's text messages while he whacks off to cheerleading on ESPN******

*the big DR, dwayne ready, D-tabs

**i kid! i am totes anti-anti-depresh pills***

***not in a tom cruise**** kind of way but in a "them shits r mad overprescribed and can be harmful dood" kind of way

****TC = D-Tabs

*****in pretty purple script- aw! how sweeeet!

******in all reality i am not this much of a cynic, or a turd*******

*******i'm a romantic! bob is whacking off to soft core on skinimax- while drinking wine in the candlelight!

beep beep mofos

2006-05-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

everytime someone comments* on the fact that i am a chainsmokingwinedrinkingbadassworkouthealthfoodfiend i have one thing to say to them:

at least i wont get hit by a bus

it's always these tracksuitwearinghealthylivinggourmeteatingpureasthedrivensnowyuppiemotherfuckers jogging through the fall folliage in maine who get bitch slapped by a semi. whoopsies!

and yes, lest u think me a plagarist i know billy j said it first, and best. only the good die young.**

my advice = get a vice***

*and they do. frequently- shut upskies alreadskies!

**my ass is living till 100 and u will still be able to bounce a quarter off it. thank you.

***just dont smoke****

****unless u r cool BECAUSE SMOKING IS COOL*****

*****sad but truuh

click on the link for cherry pop's hot track "beep beep". enjoy!

vroom vroom!

2006-04-25T09:51:00.000-04:00

open letter to all males, and other persons* who have ever questioned a womans' desire for new shoes:

shoes = cars

that's right, shoes r cars for our feet. if you live, as i do, in a place such as new york, and really, why live anywhere else, then you most likely do much travel on foot.

mode of transport = feet = similar to a car = or a bike = or rollerblades (which brings us back to) = shoes

there are other similarites too:

1. safety concerns- do these shoes come with front and side airbags?**

2. price- can i afford the monthly payments on these shoes?***

3. can i fuck in these shoes?****

and they fit into the same classifications:

1. motorcycles = strappy high heeled sandals******

2. jeeps = cowboy boots

3. stretch hummers******* = manolo blahniks or prads*********

*usually male persons, or no nonsense, comfort shoe wearing mamas

**if they r high enough then they just might need them

***the answer is always yes, even when it is no

****obvs not in the backseat but totes with them still on yore feet!*****

*****the above statement rhymes. say it aloud. say it again. say it superfastandinpublicandseewhathaps!

*******airy and dangerous for everyone involved

********haha- that sound diiiirrrrrrtyyyyy! YAY!

*********totes

overheard in my apartment

2006-04-19T10:06:00.000-04:00

a friend is telling me this dramatic dream she had- every single issue in her life was in it- but all tied together in a weird way. then comes to the good part- the BOI she likes - leans over and kisses her and she has THE BEST DREAM THOUGHT EVER:

"oh no! i forgot to get my bikini waxed!"

this is awesome for several reasons:

1. so practical! she is really planning ahead- and SHE'S ASLEEP!
2. so dirty! she knows where this kiss is leading- into her underpants!
3. so random! who the hell dreams about person hygene? trimming the hedges? the state of the gine?

***SPECIAL BONUS***

overheard this morning in the office kitchen:

"but why doesn't he stutter when he's CURSING?!?"

this awesome for one reason:

1. she was really pissed- like the poor guy was faking it- STOP FAKE STUTTERING YOU MASSIVE JERKOFF!!!

*giggle*wheee*yay*

patty cake

2006-04-13T13:39:00.000-04:00

those who know me, know: i have a non sexual* crush on pat kiernan, morning anchor on NY1.

and so i decided to create a small, non sexual, albiet poignant tribute to my favorite guy to wake up with, patty cake.*****

~*~NON SEXUAL PAT KIERNAN TRIBUTE (NO DIRTY THOUGHTS ALLOWED- HE'S HAPPILY MARRIED YOU TROLLOP!!!)~*~

TADA!

no, really

that's it. unless i can come up with a pat kiernan haiku... stay tuned for more! perhaps next week i will do a tribute to my doorman- he cracka me up!

*ok, ok. it's sexual, but just in a "what if u read me the news while rubbing ice on my nipples" kind of way**

**or a "what if you read the news and spanked me kind of way***

***but not AT ALL in a "i would ignore the fact that u r married and make an actual pass at u if we ended up at the same bar/in the same elevator/ in a dark alley late at night" kind of way****

****ok, maybe if we ran into each other in a dark alley AFTER the bar

*****BUT un-fuckin-fortunately there aren't many pictures of my BOI floating around on the internet. this makes the crush even worsies as it is fleeting, flitting, always in motion******

******and i must get up earlskies to indulge. *bitch* *bemoan* *bewitched*

i solemnly swear

2006-04-10T14:04:00.000-04:00

to attempt, in good faith, to do, every annum, my state and federal income taxes ON TIME*

*by MAY 1st.**

**of the following year.***

***and never to completely catch up****

****b/c then you die

air bukaki

2006-04-03T19:33:00.000-04:00

on a recent cross continental flight* i was seated next to a charming young man- a set designer for film and stage- who i got a long with famously. this was due to his announcing almost immediately that he was:

1. gay
2. perverted
3. loved to make fun of vaginas

now, i like a good vagina joke as much as the next gay man, probably since i have the same affinity for them** and as an ex-hag*** i jumped right in with him. as the flight went on and we giddily recounted our favorite "gross porn we've seen in europe" stories we came, naturally, inevitably, to bukaki*****.

now the good part. as i shrieked****** "OHMYGODILOVEBUKAKI" i simulatenously reached for my snack- a large tub of cottage cheese- opened it- and-

it exploded ALL OVER MY FACE

at which point- as u can imagine- we were both utterly dumbfounded- and then hysterical- and then more hysterical- ten minutes later i gasped out "OHMYGODITMUSTHAVEBEENTHECABINPRESSURE"- ten minutes later i gasped again "THANKGODITWASNTTHELARGECURD".

perhaps u had to be there- but if u r a pervert- perhaps NOT.

the moral: never forget that sealed packages of white gooey stuff WILL explode on your face if you open them mid flight. so, use your sense of the dramatic and say something disgusting right before proceeding. have fun kids!

*new york to LA. but it sounds fancier this way, no? i'm a fancy pants!

**none

***i learned my lesson in '97. too many gays in your apartment = much harder to get ass without having to kick them out****

****kicking out the gays sometimes leads to shoes being thrown at your head- nice shoes, but still

*****if u dont know what that is, feel free to google it but DO NOT follow any of the links. this will lead to porn porn porn and i do not want to be held responsible for getting u fired or in troubs with yo wife

******yes, shrieked. bt in my defnese, i was heavily medicated. i am ALWAYS heavily medicated*******

*******when flying i mean! only when flying. or weekends. only very rarely on a weeknight********

********hahahahahhahahahahaha-HA!

ALL CAPSIES

2006-03-23T15:50:00.000-05:00

during the daily grind* i tend to create a lot of charts and frequently use the "caps lock" feature on my keyboard. as a result, i often accidentally shout at people over instant messenger or email. in fact, i have been sternly chastised on several occassions- STOP SHOUTING AT ME! TURN OFF ALL CAPS! MIND YORE KEYBOARD! etc etc

so to honor the eternally useful "caps lock" button- oh so pretty and shiny at the far left of my keyboard- i have decided to create a list of things best said in ALL CAPS****:

1. YAY!!!
2. YAYSIES!!!
3. DOUBLE YAYSIES- IT'S SPRING!!!!!
4. SHUT YO MOUTH!!!
5. SAY WHAT???
6. PANTS!!!!!

*day job, nine to fiver, bill payer, nay sayer**

**actually it's not bad. they usually say yes, but i cannot resist the urge to rhyme***

***or SHOUT. SHOUT RHYMES. HOLLAH AT ME BITCHES! SAY WHAT?

****extra punctuation is also helpful in these situations i find*****

*****watch and learn: !!!???!!!&&&****!!!!##3???::::!!????@@@! yore welcome

whore's paint

2006-02-22T10:28:00.000-05:00

last night was girl's night:

1. we saw a show
2. drank wine
3. went to a sex shop*
4. stumbled drunkenly into sephora**

this is how that particular situation plays out:

annonymous friend: so where should we go for another drink?

tina: it's almost 11:30- i really think i should just go ho- SEPHORA!

annonymous friend: OMYGODGOODIDEA! (grabs my hand and drags me into traffic twoard the glorious glowing beacon of beauty products)

tina: WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

annonymous friend: bitch, if you don't put on some blue eyeshadow i'm gonna punch you in the face!

tina: i'm on it! (begins feverishly applying blue-green eyemaeup with disposable applicators)

30 minutes later....

annonymous friend: do you like the glitter?

tina: ohmygod- i need some too! (applies glitter with breathless abandon)

annonymous friend: you are so tan!

tina: thanks- i used four diffy bronzers (poses as if actually tan)

annonymous friend: do you like the red?

tina: so audry hep- wow! we look like whores!

annonymous friend: hot fucking slut whores!

tina: totes

annonymous friend: so where should we go for a drink?

tina: we can't go to a bar. this is time's square and WE LOOK LIKE WHORES

annonymous friend: oh (looks sad)

tina: (hugs friend) let's go home and wash this crap off. we can be secret subway whores for a halfsy****.

annonymous friend: ROCK!

*screw you perverts- we just wanted new vibrators!

**upscale cosmetics SUPERSTORE! it's delightful and ridiuclous and overwhelming and very dangerous for someone tipsy, vain and on a budget***

***who me? *eyelash flutter giggle wink*

****the half hour it takes to ride the subway. learn to abbreviate and add cute little suffoxes to your words people!!! GOSH (goshsies)

it's SO BIG

2006-02-11T13:12:00.000-05:00

yes, it's true. duane reade and other drug stores are carrying more than "ribbed for her pleasure". now you can buy vibrating cock rings, heated lube, flavored gels, and condoms made specially FOR YOUR ASS.

last evening, while picking up a prescription around 11 PM i witnessed and overheard a strange dance*.

as i waited for the scrip to be filled** people came in and surreptitiously checked out the various products. my friend rob and i were commenting on the purchasing habits of these sexually active (& RESPONSIBLE) peeps when the girl working behind the register spoke up****

she told us:

1. how uncomfortable she was when people bought condoms

2. how she had to warm people about this particular brand with "warming lotion" which was frequently returned to the store*****

3. and best of all- how EVERY SINGLE MAN who bought the MAGNUM****** sized condoms behaved exactly the same way:

they swagger up to the counter, grab the MAGNUMS, toss them aggressively onto the counter and say: "yeah- i'll take these".********

*and by dance i mean the awkward purchase of condoms by several intoxicated young men, a surly older man who didn't look POSITIVE he was going to get to use them, and a couple who went right for the french ticklers.

**which incidentally is for a topical skin cream that has the possible side effect of DEATH BY DIAHREA. for serious.***

***don't worry though- i'm fine. now if you'll excuse me i have this sudden strong urge to use the bathroom.

****19. bitter. undereducated. hella funny.

*****yeah- um- SURPRISE! haha. heh. serves you right fuckers! (but ewwwwww- what do they do with returned condoms? double eeewwwwww!)

******oh it's so BIG! SO SO BIG! (yeah magnums are for those of above average girth. if you have to ask, you'll never know)

*******YEAH! FUCKING A! now, what is your phone number?

cance

2006-01-24T20:05:00.000-05:00

1. cancer is not funny

2. it is fucked up to give it a cute nickname like "cance"*

3. i am twisted (b/c the other day i found it amusing to use this glibly in response to an assinine comment*)

here's the sitch:

women r funny about their weight, they r funny about your weight, and they r really extra funny when a bitch is skinny.*** so this aquaintance makes a casual but really obnoxious (read : passive agressive) comment about my body***** and being skinny or anorex or whatevs. so of course i just have to say "yeah, i know. it's the cance."

so she says "what?" and i say "nothing (bitch)" and we all go on our merry fucking way. why did i puss out? see #1.

and yes, it was funny as fuck. that PA****** bitch was hard of hearing.

*extra fucked to start calling it "the cance" like a night club, and/or saying it in a cute voice (which is what i did).

**i wasn't even being glib. i was being a bitch. go me!

***the same thing applies to when a woman has a great boyfriend/job or shoes. esp shoes****

****not ALL women dumbass. none of my bff's act that way- but they LIKE themselves so it's totally diffy. it's a generalization- see entry below- K.I.S.S.

*****which i take personally b/c i am pretty fond of it.

******passive aggresive. in fact, let's just use PAB to stand for an woman who is sneakily putdownishly unpleasant to be around. or a man. i am equal opportunity here. we all on the same page bra? PAB*******

*******i sound so angry don't i? lalalala. hmm... well, at least i'm honest about it. i dont smile and call someone a PAB. oh but i'm gonna start. hmmmmm... this is not a good trend.********

********ok so maybe i'm tired, it's been a hard day and i'm a little grousy. i will solve this by doing some deep breathing, yoga and meditation********

*********no i wont. it's called a drink, a smoke and a poke. oooooooommmmmmmmm.

church V brunch

2006-01-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

i have come to believe that the #1 thing that separates those in NY and LA from the rest of the country is where they spend their sunday mornings.

brunch versus church*

yes yes, we all know that people in ny and la marry later, make more money, are more fashion forward etc** but it's really that blissful time btwn 10 am and 2 pm on a pleasant sunday that defines us. so next weekend, make a note of your first impulse. if you want to go out for a nice bloody or mimosa- but you live in- say oklahoma- it's time to make a move. if u r in ny and you are thinking about god, well, good on ya, you are a better woman than i. now go eat some eggs. and some sausage. and have a drink while you're at it. sunday funday!

*on an interesting sidenote- my building's handyman has been telling me to go to church. every saturday he reminds me to go. i think he's onto me...

**no, my beautiful san fran- i am not forgetting or disregarding you- i am just trying to keep things simple and generalize.***

***i used to try and not generalize but it just makes things so much easier! esp when making generalizations about people's race, gender or religion- done, done and done!

stardust

2006-01-16T13:31:00.000-05:00

this weekend a spacecraft* landed, ending a 7 year journey through the cosmos. the craft, not-so-creatively named "stardust", was on an expedition collecting samples of interstellar** dust and debris.

though it will take some time for NASA*** to release the findings i would like to take a stab at guessing what they find.

i predict the SPACECRAFT**** will have brought back:

1. signs of other intellegent (or semi intellegent) life

2. my keys from my college apartment at 135 Comstock Avenue, Syracuse NY

3. our next president******

*doncha just love saying that? spacecraftspacecraftSPACECRAFT!

**and again: interstellarinterstellarINTERSTELLAR! yaysies.

***did i ever tell you about my mother's first post-divorce boyfriend? i was 7 or 8 when she met him. he was very young, very cute and VERY blond. his name was jeff. my mother, being sensitive to my feelings, asked me if i liked him. my response? "he's cute but he's no rocket scientist". now, jeff was only in college when my mother dated him (GO MOM!) but apparently he went on to study very hard, attend grad school at MIT and become (you guessed it) a rocket scientist for NASA*****

****yayayayayayayayayayYAY!

*****this makes me the anti-psychic, a bad judge of character/ ludicrously wrong. or it could just mean that to make an astoundingly accurate prediction i need just go with my first instinct, stop and reverse it. tada!

******this being the "semi-intellegent" life form i was referencing above. seriously, it would be a step up no?*******

*******can we have president clinton back? please? pretty super duper please? no, really, i'm begging.********

********now i am depressed. damn you presidential term limits! what will make me feel better? i know! SPACECRAFT INTERSTELLAR! (look up****)

fuck you AND your resolutions

2006-01-03T20:44:00.000-05:00

things that suck in january:

1. the weather
2. the gym

i'm sure there is something else but pretty little number 2 is what i would like to focus on.

here is my plea to everyone who decides on jan 1 to go to the gym more often and then does for one week or one month and stops again in january:

DON'T BOTHER.

seriously, stop. you are taking up all the machines, you are making a big show of it, you are grunting for no reason, in short, you are pissing me off.

listen, do you really want to get in shape anyway? you know you are basically a lazy person* and THAT IS OKAY. there are two kinds of people- those who work out and those who don't. all you other assholes who ARE NOT BEING YOURSELVES AND DENYING GOD** by pretending to start a fitness regime.

and please please please stop grunting and winking. this is mostly for the dudes, yes but everyone- stop making it out to be a big deal. if you really want to get in shape, then take the tina test- are you fucking relaxed? no? then find a way to fucking relax. it's no big whoop. stop killing yourself over it, just go*** and do a couple of things. if you stop stressing, you'll probably get in shape by accident. that's how i roll. here, let me break it down:

FOR THOSE WHO ARE DETERMINED TO "STICK TO THEIR LAME ASS RESOLUTIONS AND OVERCROWD THE GYM FOR ONE MONTH":

1. get up (or home) and put on sneakers/sports bra/whatevs without even thinking about it****

2. go for a walk

3. end up at (again- hopefully not the same one as me) the gym

4. do something easy for a little while

5. if you are feeling rock star then rock it out with some massive weights and an hour of cardio

6. if you are feeling a bit under the weath or tired then call if day after 20 minutes WITHOUT ANY GUILT. you went didn't you?

7. repeat. and again, stop being a douche. thank you and you are welcome.

*no, smartass, this is not a "note to self"

**yeah, i said GOD. be true to thine own lazy ass non gym going self - otherwise you are spitting in GOD'S eye. and GOD does not like that. repent that oh hogger of stairclimber.

***to another gym. one that i am not in. please- i am begging you.

****and without being self congratulatory- seriously- again- no biggie hombre- relax. no one is handing out prizes for sweatiest.*****

*****actually, that's not a bad idea. i shall pitch it to degree. and then the sweatiest will get free deodordant. it's a win win situation.

hormones are fun!

2005-12-12T19:33:00.000-05:00

so i've decided to release my inner critic and indulge in a bad movie orgy*

some of my favorite bad movies ever**:

1. girls just want to have fun

2. witchboard

3. beastmaster***

i truly thought that the wonderfully awful campy film genre had died in the 80's. at the stroke of midnight on december 31st 1989, the bad movie god lay down his septer and passed quietly into the night.

but a surprise awaited me on the EWAM! channel on this blustery december night:

HONEY

now, don't get me wrong. the only reason i did not immediately turn this off is (see*) that jessica alba is extremely fucking hot****

so i watch, blindly, not really seeing the cheesy horror, the predictably feel goodishness of it all, until the- gasp- end-

ohdeargodtheendofhoneymademecry

no- please do not reread that statement. i have rarely been SO ASHAMED of anything in my life.

it was the hormones

*ok, so i'm tired and too lazy to search for something better to watch tonight. in general, i shun the bad movie genre (except the gleefully cheesiest. delish!). shun!

**please note, these are all films from the eighties. so i'm dating myself. whatevs. see above for the reason for my malaise.

***honorable mention: chorus line, neverending story, labarynth, the craft*****

****jessica alba = ultimate gym motivation

*****omigosh- that one is from the 90's- hooray!******

******it's a sign from the bad movie god- bad movie jesus!

ahhhhhhhhhh!
meeeeennnnn!

no sleep till

2005-11-03T10:25:00.000-05:00

it's national novel writing month!

thank goodness i now have a valid excuse for

1. letting those dust bunnies pile up

2. letting my ginormous* "to be filed" pile, pile up**

3. letting my local unfriendly dry cleaners selection of my favorite garments pile up***

4. not writing that OTHER novel. you know, the one that doesn't suck.

*yes, i said GInormous. it's a realish word. fucking speakers of english. it's time to learn MY language. tinaese.

**wait. that's not right. there's something about that that is JUST NOT RIGHT. pileypileypileypile. i know- i used have said gianormous STACK! now it's too late- wail- bitch - moan.****

***haha- my dry cleaner now scoffs at me when i say i'll pick something up on wed or thursday. "you come back next month". shit. they are onto me. slow.

****god- there's nothing i like better than some unadulterated- for no good reason- whining wailing bitching and moaning. oh yeah baby- it's SO GOOD.

smell my feet

2005-10-18T18:43:00.000-04:00

it's that time of year again- my favorite- HALLOWEEN!

where normally i have about fifty million kagillion ideas about what to dress up as, this year i am limited to a vague desire to retro and whorish. i predict 1940's pin up sailor girl is going to be the winner. stay tuned.

prize winning costumes from past years include:

1. three eyed sluts from the planet blue green algae*

2. pricess pudenda from the planet purple

3. the bad sex fairy

4. slutty prom queen barbie**

5. tanya roberts as sheena queen of the jungle***

6. freya the emasculating valkerie****

*with my ex best friend/gay husband dennis j****

**complete with condom wrappers and a note that said "fuck me" pinned to the back of the dress, and my good natured bf as "erectile dysfunction" prom king ken

***did you know i was obsessed with tanya roberts? because i am. obsessed.

****i'll cut it off! i svear it on thor's hammer!

*****it wasn't a good divorce- thank goodness we killed off all the children born of that unholy union!******

******our firstborn "bitterness", our second born "bad hair" and the baby of the family "accidental drunk heterosexual blowjob on the couch"- ABORT!

pit of despair

2005-10-17T11:26:00.000-04:00

i was recently pondering my propensity for purchasing purses.* when my pal ponitifcated that phsycologically, purses symbolize the pussy.

WHAT?

the hangbag is the female freudian equivalent to the cigar you say?

hmmm.... it kind of makes sense... it's a pouch and you put stuff in it... ok assuming this is true there a few INCREDIBLY disturbing facts that spring to mind:

1. i call mine the pit of despair because i can never FIND anything in it**

2. i collect VINTAGE HANDBAGS***

3. have you ever noticed how many women walk around with thier hands resting IN THE HANDBAGS? or even, worse, CONSTANTLY RUMMAGING through it?****

this saddens me deeply. my innocent collecting of funky old bags now has a sinister overtone. one that i fear, shall haunt me all of my days. before i close this dialouge forever there i do have a fourth and final point:

4. i also have a thing for CHEAP synthetic bags made in taiwan*****

*aloud. pondering purchasing purses aloud.

**yes, this is an homage to the classic film "labyrinth"- the pit of despair is known for it's (oh my jesus, my jesus) overpowering stench

***old pussy? what? i've been collecting since i was a teenager so i'm not really sure what this means. i also have a thing for BIG BAGS. big old vag-gee-gees? oh dear lord!

****do i have to paint you a picture? go read "my secret garden" if you need more specific refernces. jesus people! get with it!

*****begins crying, silently into hands- stops- reaches into bag for kleenex- cannot find any!- continues to rummage through because it is somehow soothing- and yet- stimluating!- where is it? must look- faster- over there- no- yes- deeper- harder- ahhh! never did find the kleenex but am now so relaxed- time for a - yawn- desk... nap....

crank it up!

2005-10-13T15:20:00.000-04:00

i am here to defend my right to be crankers*. so what if i snap at people or assume the worst? it is my god given right to be:

sullen
spooky
werid
bitter
bitchy
whiny
and for special occassions only: full of self pity******

*this is due to the fact that noah has not shown up and asked me to be his fifth wife. let me on the ark!**

**FUCKING RAIN***

***what is this, seatle?****

****everytime i start to complain about the weath i stop and think about all the people who have suffered through REAL natural disasters***** in the past month.

*****though it is tragic to ruin a gorgeous pair of seude boots. but not tragic tragic. just tragic.

******OMG- is there anything better than a completely self indulgent lil ole pitty party? best time for this is:

birthdays
new years eve
beginning of summer
end of summer
valentines day
tuesdays

ass freaks

2005-10-01T21:12:00.000-04:00

everytime i go to a chinese massage parlour something strange happens:

they spend half the time working over my ass.*

this has happened too many times for me to think it could be a coincidence. and it's not a sexual thing** because i've had men and women fixate on my hiney-so-finey**

it starts out great:

hmmm... that's it- oh my shoulders are so tight- hey where are you going- GOOD LORD- up! go up! hmmmmm....

now it wouldn't be a big deal if it happened as they worked the lower back, but everytime they switch areas- they make a pit stop. an ass pit stop.***

the result: right now my tushy is so relaxed it might as well be in jamaica. stoned. on the beach. with a corona and a blond.****

*seriously, what is going on with that? i know i have sweet cheeks but don't these people know there's more tension in my shoulders?

**it's not a sexual thing- it's a CHINESE THING.

***and don't tell me they are all lesbians- i have been to way too many chinese ass massagers for that kind of coincidence.****

****better check out the tush- how is it doing? let's get in there and make sure- ok! back in two mintues! can't leave the ass hanging (ha)!

*****have fun on vacation ass! bring me back some beads and some gangia in your shoe! ok fine! stick in your deodorant- jesus- just stick it up your hole you whiney (ass) bitch.

******actually this begs the question: why do i keep going back? not because it's cheap. BECAUSE I LIKE HAVING MY ASS RUBBED. is that a crime?*******

*******not compared to baby killing.

coochie-coochie-die!

2005-10-01T21:01:00.000-04:00

this is my initial reaction to seeing a wee one:

awww! how cute- a baby!*

this is my second:

why is that thing looking at me like that? maybe it can see into my soul?**

this is my third:

in twenty years, this little monster could grow up to take my job or steal my husband or otherwise fuck up my shit. maybe i should kill it.***

*depending on my hormone levels, i sometimes want to make one of my very own. or kill it. kill the baby.

**it's ok when the baby smiles- it likes me! but when a baby just stares at me and takes everything in without smiling- jesus christ it gives me the heebie jeebies! STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S SOUL DEMON BABY!!

***it would be so easy! those little squishy things can't fight back! two secs and i'm out. fucking baby.

sUpEr DeLuX

2005-09-29T15:54:00.000-04:00

last night i had the pleasure of seeing miss max sharam perform live at the rockwood music center. although miss max (MIX!) is a dear friend of mine- i had only heard her sing on disk (wow) or late at night screeching in my ear (ow). you MUST check her out- but only if you want your mind expanded. SUPER DELUX!

$10,000 tomato

2005-09-24T02:38:00.000-04:00

yesterday i bought some fresh produce, including one very special piece of fruit*

when i got home and unpacked and prepared to eat all and sundry** i discovered that i had paid $10,000 for a tomato!!!***

at this time i experinced the following emotions:

1. indignation: how dare they charge me so much for a tomatz?

2. privilidge: only i merit this incredible red shiny deliciousness!

3. panic: how will i pay for my yachting excursion and trip to hawaii this month?!?*****

this just goes to show that the cost of living has gone UP UP UP! thank goodness for my imaginary trust fund!******

*or is it a vegitable? hmmmmmm?

**i was making an omlette

***i used my debit. who looks?****

****not only am i a trusting soul but i am also fully aware that the people who work in grocery store check out lines are fully commited to their jobs and hold in HIGH ESTEEM (!) the responsibilites weighing heavily on their proud and noble shoulders.

*****fear not! my stocks rse dramatically in the nick of time- all is NOT LOST!

******not to be confused with my imaginary boyfriend. who, by the way, is satisfying my every imaginary office need and desire. sex in the supply closet- check!

swedish fish

2005-09-19T12:20:00.000-04:00

thanks to the newly opened youth hostel across the street from my apartment, i need never go without a cigarette again*.

at any hour of the day there is a young au paire or other european/midwestern tourist out there on the stoop looking overwhelmed and puffing away.** last night, however, it was i who was the strange, the bewildered, the misunderstood...

the time: 10:30 pm on a sunday night. your erstwhile reporter is contemplating buying a pack*** when she spots a friendly looking young man walking out of the hostel with - a cigarette! as i gallop up to him he peers back to see my endearingly hopeful face- may i a bum a ciggy? - the answer being yes- after i light up and inquire after the unusual brand- he says it is a swedish brand- are you swedish?**** yes he says- are you a student- no i say- i work in advertising and then:

he. runs. into. the street.

it took a moment but i realized i had frightened the poor (six foot tall) thing off. why you ask? b/c he had probably been warned against neighborhood HOOKERS.

now, i do see a hooker or five on my block, it's true. but me? at 10:30 pm? wearing jeans, flip flops and my "whiffle ball king tee shirt"?!?*****

i suppose i should be flattered that he thought i was:

1. young enough to be a college student********
2. hot enough in my whiffle ball king tee shirt to actually sell any ass
3. tempting enough that he had to run into traffic to escape my wiles*********

*yes i am back to bumming

**overwhelmed but NEVER angry. beware the angry smoker

***nic fit rating = 8

****funny, he didn't LOOk swedish... well, actually he did. but he SOUNDED like a midwesterner. weird.

*****i am not actually the whiffle ball king. it's a tee shirt i found at the sal arm and bought due to irony ****** the REAL whiffle ball king is simply a tidy person who recently did some spring cleaning*******

******i am awful at whiffle ball, baseball, softball and i assume, cricket (though this last is unsubstantiated)

*******in the fall. fall cleaning.

********no it was not THAT DARK. jerk.

*********OK, this one is a stretch but i choose to believe it. and believe it deeply. with every fiber of my being.

PUGGLE!

2005-09-18T13:16:00.000-04:00

somewhere in an undergroud laboratory some INSANELY SMART GENIUS MAD SCIENTIST has broken the cute barrier. they have combined and created 2 of the sweetest faces on god's green earth to create: THE PUGGLE!

this unspeakable adorable thing is half pug (clearly) and half - get this- beagle (say WHAT?). the only thing i can think of that might be better is if they spliced my boyfriend with a cat and gave him choclate for blood.*

aaack@mindexploding#toomuch*cuteness%$brainslidingfromear...............

*while it is difficult to process thoughts after viewing the above- think about my boyfriend with a tail, a little more fur and the overwhelming desire to have his belly rubbed. the choclate for blood thing is self explanatory.

adults skipping

2005-09-13T12:52:00.000-04:00

now i have been known to skip, but ALWAYS with a sense of irony. it's fun. it's silly. it's a tad faster than walking and swingier than running. but lately i have been noticing a new trend:

ADULTS SKIPPING*

how? why? you ask, bewildered. let me tell you this:

last week i saw an unfriendly looking woman walking just ahead of me on the UWS. no one was really around but us. she kept looking back at me as if i was PREVENTING HER FROM DOING SOMETHING. finally, she decided to go ahead and do what she needed to do. after a few more furtive glances back at me- she widened her legs into a duck walk and skipped a few paces. then she looked back at me - with anger this time - alla "how dare you judge me/and/or my skipping!" and did it again.

when she had turned into her building after casting a few more scalding looks** at me i made sure she had gone into the lobby and tried it myself***.

i came to several conclusions:

1. this woman had probably dampened her adult diaper - i would duck skip too!

2. it was kind of fun in that it made me giggle

3. it's a good way to turn a knee! that woman should be more careful!****

*for real, without irony, as a mode of transportation

**if looks could kill! well i tell you!

***though i REFUSED to do the furtive glance around- let them look! at me! skipping like a duck!

****tsk-a-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-shame-a-shame-whee!

secret office boyfriend

2005-09-09T12:52:00.000-04:00

now that i have been at my new job for two weeks, it's time to pick my new secret office boyfriend. the selection process has been refined over the years and is now a well oiled machine. here is some insight into the process and requirements if one should so desire to be my secret office boyfriend.*

SOBF requirements:

you must be either:

1. hot as balls OR
2. laughably inadequate

more precisely, sex with you would have to be:

1. sweaty fantasy material OR
2. stomach turning

in other words, i like to switch it up. my SOBF is either someone who genuinely makes me feel funny down there** or an object of ridicule***

other important things to note when selecting you very own SOBF:

1. you can NEVER have sex with your secret office boyfriend*****
2. you must have backup******

i WILL tell you that i have made my selection. i WIL NOT tell who it is.*!

also, remember that work is more fun when you have a secret office BF. it's even more fun when he is not married*******

*though they never know of this honor. it is a SECRET.***

**hmmmm... me want humpy

***i have, in the past, told my SOBF of his status in the hope that his posture/dress/personal hygene might improve. it is a service to their future real girlfriends****

****i am not leaving out the gays. to this date (!!!) i haven't had a secret office gay boyfriend. i am willing to consider taking on a supplemental "future gay ex husband" categaory. planning ahead!

***** unless you are drunk

******because what if he pisses you off over a power point presentation or something? then again- that creates the opportunity for ANGRY SEX. revision!

************** trust me on this one ladies! you don;t want to deal with imaginary guilt too!

trophy husband

2005-09-07T13:32:00.000-04:00

now that i am so rich and sucessful, i need a hot guy to give me pleasure(!) and clean up after me(!).

please vote on who should be my trophy husband*:

1. my secret office boyfriend**
2. my building's super who looks like a pirate***
3. my already boyfriend from real life****
4. this cute guy who i've only seen from the back*****

let the voting begin!

*hello pre-nup! freaking mimbos!

**though he already has a job and believe me- being my T.H. is a full time position.

*** he does! he does! even more then gwen stephanie!

****naw, fuck that. he complains too much if i unhook him from cable, the internet or his xbox. he can be second wife!

*****this guy already has a clear advantage.

maybe i should update this

2005-08-15T18:09:00.000-04:00

nope.

please give me some suggestions

2005-07-29T19:26:00.000-04:00

so i can ignore them

dear paul mccartney

2005-06-23T12:12:00.000-04:00

dear mr paul mccartney,*

last summer, when i nearly ran you over in amagansett long island, you graciously nodded your head and i forgave you for walking a narrow windy road with your wife** and newborn baby. i hoped you would take more care in the future. i am a big fan, of course and would hate for anything to happen to you and yours. or anyone- those roads are not safe. and it's kind of fun for my family to see you around, as you seem like a nice guy and trump all the other celebrities who live in the area by, like, a million.

and yet- i must say this- STAY OFF THE ROADS. i was repeating the tale to my family members- about how i nearly coughed up my stomach when i nearly hit you and then nearly coughed up MY FOOT when i saw who you were- when MY AUNT SAID SHE NEARLY HIT YOU TOO. my aunt, god love her, didn't learn to drive until she was thirty. and i have teenage sisters who drive those roads. and drunk stockbrokers in bmw convertables drive those roads. and rappers in stretch humvee limos who are trying to watch the stripper bj's going down in the back. and pissed off locals who are considering selling thier three bedroom ranches to some rich a-hole from the west coast for 3 mill. PLEASE DO NOT STROLL THOSE ROADS. seriously.

thank you, and god bless,
christina

*i guess it's technically "sir paul mccartney" but doesn't that make you feel old? when people call you sir? i hate it when people call me mamm. i'm a swiss miss!

**didn't she already sufer an injury in a vehicular incident? beeee careful! bzzzzzzz!

purposefully pompous travel log

2005-06-21T15:39:00.000-04:00

Villa Il Poggia
Near Cetona, Tuscany

First day here. After nearly twenty hours we ensconsed at Villa Il Poggio. Our driver, Marco, got terribly confused on the tiny winding road to Cetona. The quintisential Tuscan Village high on a green hill. After all my concerns, I am the only one of our party who got substantial sleep on the flight. Thank you black market tranquilizers!

It's pointless to describe the exquisite beauty of the countryside. The house, or raaaather, the villa is extraordinary. Nearly 200 years old* it's at the pinacle of yet another rolling hill ripe with verdant greens and rich browns. Set down with perfect precision in the center of an olive grove, Villa Il Poggio is rustic elegance personified.

While the younger memebers of our party seem to long for their internet (bah!) and cellular (harumph!) services, I, myself, am looking forward to a week out of touch with the day to day. And now, I nap!**

*After chatting amicably with some of the sun and time weathered locals, we discovered that Villa Il Poggio is not in fact of the 18h century. It is, instead a tastefully done replication. Though we were startled and dismayed to learn that Villa Il Poggio was only 40 years old we managed to enjoy our extended stay. My personal secretary shall here my displeasure upon our return!

**On a plump feathered bed fit with sun dried 200 count egyptian cotton sheets, smoothed down by a classically beautiful tuscan maiden.

bummer

2005-05-25T18:33:00.000-04:00

how to bum a cigarette in new york: a treatise

i am living in the space between smoker and non- if i buy a pack i will smoke them all in one day. so i bum. quite frequently in fact.

the whole point is this: i feel incredible awkward when mooching. so i offer to buy one- this seems to convice the smoker who is "holding" that i am serious and appreciate the cost. but surprisingly few people will take the standard 50 cents i offer**

the people you are about to mooch from are the most important factor in determining your sucess or failure. though the weather also makes an impact. sunny days make people generous. then again, a cute boy in williamsburgh gave me a half a pack on the street because i was soaked and on the verge of tears. after he had walked a block away he came back and gave me his lighter.***

approach:

groups of men standing outside a bar or office
solitary men standing anywhere
solitary women standing outside a bar

do NOT approach:

angry looking people
groups of girls standind anywhere
secretaries in the midst of a bitch fest
couples***

and for god's sake don't try to bum from someone who is on their cellphone, or walking or looks like they smoke menthols*****

one final note: cute old ladies who have cigarette cases are usually very generous but occaissionally you will get the mother of all things evil and unholy. make sure she is not angry and you must absolutely make her take the money. many senior citizens are living on a fixed income after all.

*well 4 or 5 a day if you want to get technical

**in quarters! everybody needs quarters!

***the exception to this is if theya re standing outside a swingers club. then you can probably get whatever you want. if you are into that.

****oh my god- i just realized i should have grabbed that guy and dragged his ass to the alter. where are you gentlemanly cigarette boy? i love you!

*****you can tell. i'm not exactly how i can tell but there is some sort of red flag. there's something fussy and suicidal about menthol smokers.

excessive vanity

2005-05-22T14:01:00.000-04:00

quiz show:

how vain is your ass? i am coming to realize the depth and scope of my vanity- it is impressive. though i am not superficial i am coming to terms with the fact that i am a vain-ass motherfucker.*

here are a few of the more insane things i have done to myself in the pursuit of TOTAL PERFECTION** play along with me- it's fun!

you might be excessively vain if you have ever:

rubbed preparation h on your tits for the firming effect***
started using anti aging creams at 21 (result = zit valhalla)
secretly exercised on the subway (this does not count if you are exercising your vagina****)
deep conditioned your eyelashes

*this basically means that i eagerly date chubby and/or hairy men, think fat girls are super cute and am generally pleased by most faces and forms.*****

**PSYCHE!

***this is very dangerous btw- that shit raises your blood pressue if you use too much. my tits looked like they were 16 again though!

****everybody does that and if they dont then they probably dont have an awesomely STRONG VEEJAY for good grunt grunt.

*****the only reason i know this is odd is because other people have told me that some of the men i date are fat and furry or that the girl i think is adorable really isn't or that i am compeltely insane regarding all things esthetic. ******

******on second thought, perhaps i am right and everyone else is just super critical. isn't there something beautiful about everyone? plus, i am not actually that vain i am simply very creative when it comes to putting weird shit on my face. correct.

lap dance

2005-05-19T16:05:00.000-04:00

yesterday i was invited to a bachelor party

i experienced the following emotions:

1. pride. i was a to be the only GIRL invited!*
2. envy. would i become morose and insecure thereby causing me to rip off some underage breastesses?**
3. lust. they promised me lap dances. lots and lots of lap dances.
4. avarice. they promised to pay for the baseball game and the lap dances. lots and lots of lap dances.
5. guilt. my boyfriend was not terribly psyched about my mission.

after this emotional tumult i finally answered yes to the invitation. i was dying to get behind enemy lines and see what the naughty boys really did without their ladies in attendance. plus, i am a strip club virgin.*** however within 24 hours of this the following shit hit the fllowing fans:

1. the soon-to-wife of the aforementioned bachelor shreiked "what?!?"
2. the girlfriend of another attendee grabbed him by the balls and shrieked "what does she get to go if i dont get to go. ME GO"
3. the wife of another attendee stated in a calm but firm voice "i dont want any drunk girls in that limo."

the proverbial foot was put proverbally down. thus the invitation was revoked and mama goes without experiencing the forbidden lap dance.

*i am THAT COOL
**i too have a nice pair
***yes wise ass, i am still SOME sort of virgin****

****a few kinds actually- look at me- i'm SO INNOCENT! *****

*****please sexy pirate- don't deflower me! i'm just an innocent maiden! WINK

huff it up!

2005-05-18T13:40:00.000-04:00

after a short delay we will be back with our regularly scheduled programming.

see this:

http://characterdogrun.com

Pudding Whore

2005-04-24T00:41:00.000-04:00

I find that extreme emotion makes my brain turns off.*

This is most true when I am angry angry angry. I have come up with some real zingers when verbally duking it out with some biotch. Here are a few prime examples of my sharp comebacks and putdowns:

1. Cunt! You cunt dumpling!
2. I don't care if she brought the pudding! She's a pudding whore!
3. Fine! Be that way miss... miss... hotty pants!
4. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
5. You threw shoes at me! SHOES! HIIIIYAH!**

*Except panic. I am very good under pressure. Especially when rescuing adorable children, animals and senior citizens from a burning building.***

**I then attacked the mean bad person who threw the shoes. This person was two feet taller than me and easily held me down and tickled me. Fucker.

***This was a recurring dream in my teenage years. Though as soon as everyone was saved I inevitably realized I was naked.

NOTE: It has been a long long long time since I have been angry enough to call someone names. These long long long ago incidents are recorded here for prosperity and because I consider myself a (promising) novice in the field of creative cursing.

S & M neighbor

2005-04-20T11:06:00.000-04:00

last night i realized that i needed to cheat. i couldn't control myself- the desire was overwhelming.

so i went to the apartment of young man who lives in my building. a young man who could give me EXACTLY what i need...

a cigarette.

this particular nice young man is a well known S & M master. i know because of the chains hanging from the walls, and the leather daddy teddy bear on his chair. oh, and because he told me.

last night was i inhaled the forbidden but heavenly tobacco we talked about the stigma that those of his kind have to endure. he said he's lost friends over it, that people judge, that the internet finally made it possible for him and others like him to realize they were not freaks.

well, i mean they consider themselves freaky but you know what i mean...

ahem.

at this point i told him that i could definetly understand the role playing but that i couldnt understand the EXTREME pain- like knife or needle play. or CBT*

he told me that he usually explains it by asking the "vanilla" person if they have sex.

usually they say yes.**

the he asks if you ever scratch your lovers back, or get scratched or bite.

blah blah blah. they (S & M leather daddy's) just take it a step further. blah blah blah. anyway. nice guy. thanks for the smoke!

* cock and ball torture of course!
**do you really need to ask? i am GLOWING!

tanya vs tawney part two

2005-04-16T14:43:00.000-04:00

as promised- here is the ultimate tanya roberts versus tawney kitaen showdown!

witness the hotness:

GOOOOOOOOO TAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

.

.

.

.

NOW ROUGH HER UP TTTTAAAWWWWWWNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!

.

.

.

ok. i dont know what the hell that last one was but i am giving her points for the s & m work.

let's break it down:

big hair----------------- tanya-check----- tawney-check

slutty outfits------------- tanya-check----- tawney-check

leather----------------- tanya-check----- tawney-check

UNCURED ANIMAL SKINS-- tanya has this one locked

naked pictures on web---- tanya-check----- tawney-check

s&m kinky lesbian pics---- tawney takes tanya down!

well clearly i am biased but so far i am awarding points thusly:

tanya with 5 CHEESY HOTNESS STARS

and

tawney with 4 HOTNESS STARS AND 47 CHEESY STARS

tanya is definetly in the lead right now but not by much. it all comes down to our last category: where are they now!

this will include the following factors:

1. how well have they aged?
2. are they still working?
3. have they been arrested or to rehab?*

*hint: extra points if you get arrested for beating the crap out of your professional athlete husband with your stilettos. YOUCH!

no hip hip hip hip hip

2005-04-15T18:00:00.000-04:00

no hippie chick.

last night i had a limited time offer to go back to college. no i wasn't studying (ha!) or playing stoner chess (note: once i stopped smoking the pot, i stopped playing the chess. and scrabble. WEIRD).

no this was an authentic flashback. the jam band.

ahhhh druggies! they r all so friendly! that is until you refuse to give them your 5th row tickets so they can pass them back to their friends. but for once, being amongst the young made me feel young too.*

these guys are awesome: WIDESPREAD PANIC
.
i can't help it. i like the chubby one on the left. rock the base!***

*I AM A YOUTH VAMPIRE! I WILL SUCK YOUR YOUTH!**

**important: this is not an open invitation for oral sex. for realz.

***i am part of the minority. CHUBBY CHASERS UNITE!

this blog reminds me of my sister

2005-04-14T12:02:00.000-04:00

but it doesn't have her rack. nice tits sis!

quiet riot

2005-04-13T10:55:00.000-04:00

today i am sitting in the quietest office in the universe. while this is a pretty relaxing gig, i find myself perversely wanting to disturb the peace.

so far i have had the urge to:

lie in the middle of the floor and moan
sing showtunes and tap dance. oaklahoma comes to mind. but they don't tap dance in that one... see? i am perverse!
strip to my support garmets and turn cartwheels
throw the leftover sandwhich meats from yesterdays meeting against the wall while screaming like a banshee*

at this point one would have to assume that i have a mild, mostly controllable form of tourettes. it might also explain my occasional urge to veer into oncoming traffic. or maybe that's just my mischivous nature. or natural curiosity. i mean, come on! WHAT IF?

*the lunch meats would be thrown at a large hand drawn target clumsily scratched onto the pristine white walls with pink highlighter pen. score would be kept meticulously. AND I WOULD WIN! OH YES! I WOULD PREVAIL AGAINST ALL IMAGINARY ODDS WITH MY THROWING OF LUNCH MEATS!

expiration date

2005-04-12T09:56:00.000-04:00

yesterday as i sat drinking a pint and contemplating the sox beating the yankees on a not so big screen i came to a realization.

i did not realize that God was shining down on me or that i had left the oven on. no what i realized was much more mundane but just as far reaching.

i realized i had been in that bar before.

for once it's not what you think. yes i have been in certain establishments and suddenly remembered a long ago sloshfest. but not this time. this time i remembered playing wing man as (then best girl friend) leigh smoozed up two 7 foot tall australian hotties.

she was successful that night. so successful in fact that she married one of said hotties a few years ago.

i was not invited to the wedding. the 7 foot tall significant other and i did not get along. after 10 years of knowing we would be each others bridesmaids i was not even notified of the impedning nuptials.

this is not a bad thing.

after a year or two of being half heartedly pissed i realized what a shitty friend she was. not just for not inviting me to her wedding or cutting me off without a backward glance. no she was shitty because she never played MY wingman, because she subtly put me down all the time, because she was BLOND BLOND BLOND!

and once again, as with my ex gay husband, my first stepmother and that drummer i dated for five minutes i realized i was better off. so so much better.

some people grow up, some people grow apart but some people are just bitches.

BLOND BLOND BLOND!

tanya vs. tawney

2005-04-04T15:03:00.000-04:00

who is hotter? who is a better role model for tina to aspire to? who is a better cheesy sci fi actress? i present the evidence:

tanya's films & tv shows:

1. a view to a kill
2. beastmaster (1,000 points)
3. sheena queen of the jungle
4. charlies angels
5. that seventies show

tawney's films and tv shows/appearances:

1. witchboard
2. WKRP in cinncinnatti
3. whitesnake videos (2)

tawney: 5
tanya: 1,005

round 1 goes to: TANYA!

***coming soon***
a photo comparison to judge hotness. as soon as i figure out what the hell is wrong with with my browser. html option has vanished. pishaw! huff!

what sucks and what doesn't

2005-04-03T00:01:00.000-05:00

what sucks:

1. i quit smoking over a 6 weeks ago and i STILL want to rip your head off
2. a virus decimated my computer and i lost most of my files
3. i never finished my living will*

what doesn't suck:

1. i quit smoking
2. i am EXTREMELY assertive since quitting. GIVE ME YOR HEAD.
3. i am going to italy in june. italy. to live in a villa within an olive grove. hahahahahahhahahahahahaha. yay!**

*do NOT pull any plugs until at least 2 years have gone past the point of no return. i am persistant and will prevail. unless there is pain. in that case, put on some ACDC, feed me 5 or 20 cigarettes and pull it. hard.

**dear giovanni,
tu est uno bello huomo. thank you for showing me a buonisimo time. thank you for declaring your love and "giving it to me good" under the olive tree. i will never forget you or the wine-fuled nights, mornings or afternoons of UNBELIEVEABLE passion. ti amo!
ciao,
bellisamo chichina

wish list (the short version)

2005-03-28T15:15:00.000-05:00

i need a house so i can:

walk around naked
buy novelty toilet seats*

my house should have garden so i can:

walk around naked (outdoors! nakeee outdoors!!!)
plant stuff. i find this activity to be relaxingly middle age-ed

(on a side note i recently realized the extent to which i find myself and all my "issues" incredibly interesting. it suddenly occured to me (in a fit of un-self-centered-ness!!!) that others might find themselves equally fascinating. it would surprise me (i mean, come on!) but perhaps it is true? i will make a poll and report back.)

*i love the ones with fake fish and REAL SHELLS trapped forever inside a blue resin "ocean". it almost makes me want to climb in. splash!

yes sur!

2005-03-26T00:21:00.000-05:00

do californians EVER get out of their cars? how come they dont all have super fat asses?

yesterday i took my life into my hands and drove the pacific coast highway south of san fransisco through big sur.

through out the 3 hour ordeal i was overwhelmed with:

overwhelming beauty
overwhelming fear of dying horribly on the rocks below

i made several interesting sounds including but not limited to:

whimpering
giggling*
screaming
arguing with my mother (and who wouldn't when surrounded by immeasurable beauty?)

*please take note: this was not the good giggling. this is the kind of giggling i do when they are running tests on me at the hospital. i actually got out at every other overlook, looked over and then ran back to the car cackling like a drunk canadian. adrenalin? check.

cruisin down el camino

2005-03-23T01:41:00.000-05:00

cars r the prevalent mode of transportation in most of america. my limited experiences as a driver and passenger have taught me this:

waiting for the light to change is the wrong time to ask someone if they are gay*
family + car + 2 hours = 5 years of therapy (needed and acrued)
the best place to hide something (like, weed) is under the scrim between windshield and front side door
my mom really hates it when i back seat drive
my mom really needs a "wing man" so she doesn't miss our turn for the 8th time
cars smell
people smell
cars are a ineffective place to sulk

number 8 is really the most relevant since i count sulking as one of my most important life skills. it's hard to do in a car.

other bad places to sulk:

movie theater
concert
award ceremony
the prom
roller coaster

the one exception is that you can sulk at the prom if you are:

telekenetic
prom queen
sissy spaseck
preggers

*for some reason i don't have any gay family members. i have tried to make them gay. and asked most of them if they ever "experiemented". out of all my family members the following responded with the most maturity and poise:

auntie M = not gay
M.O.M. = not gay
daddy = not gay

**i really find it impossible not to ask family members about their sexuality on fair to middlin road trips. so far no one has tried to push me out of the car.

is sunshine racist?

2005-03-21T11:05:00.000-05:00

everyone i have seen here belongs to one of the following ethnic groups:

white
indian
mexican
unfriendly chinese

where are all the black people? i haven't seen any black people. i think the unfriendly chinese people i met yesterday are hiding them. but WHERE?

i would be remiss if i did not give a shout out here to miss p who is mexican AND chinese. hollah!

silly cone valley

2005-03-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

"nice weather you're having here at this GIGANTIC strip mall"

the only other thing i've noticed besides atrocious and over priced restaurant food is the proliferation of hot tubs. thereby enabling legions of sleazy guys to be lazy with their pick up lines. this was said to me yesterday as i huffed along on my treadmill:

"hot tubbing is the thing to do around here. after the gym."

if it seems awkward it was. if it seems like a lukewarm come one, it wasn't. simply because the invitation to tub was prefaced by:

a comment on my slammin bod
an enquiry resulting in my lamental comment "i am visting from new york". thus the "the thing to do around here" portion of the aforementioned weak come on line.

still, since my mother and i are moving at a decidedly middle aged pace it was a welcome diversion.

to sum up:

nice weather
strip mall
costly and medicore food
invitation to tub
45-65 year old pace to daily activity

have a day!

go west

2005-03-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

i am preparing to embark on a voyage westardly, toward the sun.

there i hope to ward off seasonal depression and spend some quality time with ma mere. i also hope not to freak on the plane.

here are some easy steps anyone can take to make travel more enjoyable:

Before embarking on your journey (spiritual and otherwise):

1. find someone to take care of any small furry creatures that may be sharing living space with you. otherwise you will worry about them and they will yowl pathetically. try to make sure the person you hire is:

not a snoop
not a pervert who will sniff your panties (not much fun unless you are still wearing them)
not too expensive

2. over water all of your plants. this way the small fuzzy things can amuse themselves by swatting at fruit flies during your absence.

3. pack inapproprately. i am not sure if this is actually recommended but it is an established part of my travel routine. also, it takes all the guilt out of shopping while on vacation: but i only brought woolens with me to puerto rico- i simply MUST have a swim suit and saraong!

4. stockpile betty and veronica comicbooks and valium (more on this later).

advice to my cats

2005-03-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

murf

i have decided today (another banner day for decisions!) to impart some more wisdom to my feline friends. they pretend not to listen but you can tell they are when their ears flatten back and they look huffy.

1. stop puking.

2. if you have to puke- MUST you do it from table top or higher? there is less splatter when done from sea level. yeesh.

3. stop waking me up at 4 am with your god damn yowling.

4. if you must wake me up- why not do so with some sweet purring and kneading of my tired shoulders?

5. stop watching me have sex. really. couldnt you just head into the other room? so what if it's a studio? ever heard of the bathroom?

WITNESS THE RUDENESS:

life changing decisions

2005-03-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

hello.

i have made some life changing decisions you may want to know about. perhaps they can help you in the future. perhaps they can help you NOW.

obviously, one has to be slightly less than satisfied with ones life to embark on this hare brained "new life" scheme.

disatisfied with life - check

hare brained- check

ok, let's move on. after realizing that my salad days were behind me and it was time to pay the piper (i.e. enormous health costs due to lack of insurance due to lack of employment due to overwhelming laziness) i have made some (hopefully) life altering decisions.

first make a list of what is wrong with you. here is mine:

overly sensitive
self indulgent
lazy (again, this seems to be part of my makeup- not something i am doing on purpose to seem "youngish" or "devil may care")
vain
hot

despite what u may think, being hot is a problem. it draws attention to your other flaws and people always want to fuck you. it's tiresome.

so i have made a list of "mid march resolutions". despite numerous entreaties by my friends and families- using capital letters in the appropriate places is NOT one of my resolutions.

ok, enough dilly dallying (i forgot to add proscrastinator to the list- think of it as an addendum).

i resolve to:

1. complain less about the little things and MUCH MORE about the big things. this means my boyfriend will shortly be getting the whole "get off your ass and impregnate me" speech in the near future.

2. talk less. this one is probably not going to stick.

3. be extra hot. despite what i said earlier, being extra hot would be nice. especially when i bump into girls from high school who tanned too much and have five kids already. this is particularly important since i have a MASSIVE inferiority complex and nearly all my classmates are:

1. married

2. have babies (me want BABY)

3. invested in a 401 K plan (add to list of goals: get 401K, or at least find out what one is)

4. polite

now i can be fucking polite when i want to but sometimes i curse more than tawny kitaen in "witchboard". i have also been known to hump mercedes but thats where the similarities end.

p.s. the only bad actress from the 80's i love almost as much as tanya roberts is tawny kitaen. almost as hot.

.

open letter to human resources

2005-03-11T12:49:00.000-05:00

dear suzie, linda and joanne,

1. please relax.

2. please refrain from asking the "magic wand" question. as in, "if you had a magic wand and could create the perfect job, what would it be and why?" i'm not sure exactly how to answer that but it absoltuely involves shoving said magic wand up your ass.

3. do not ask me to tell you that being an administrative assistant (even if it's to some uber precious executive/head of the company/ all around nice guy) is my penultimate dream job. i do have a soul and prefer not to lie. retard.

4. when you say that my potential boss is "intense" i know i am in for a world of pain. do not insult my intellegence, even though i am stupid enough to want to work for your company. use plain speaking such as "your potential boss is a hard osed bitch/bastard who will make you work late and humiliate you as much as possible. on the upside we have great dental coverage!"

5. yes i kick ass on excel, power point and quark. whatever else you throw at me will take two seconds to learn. unless its spanish. no ablo espanole.